One Red Blog

Kittens & Fish

2011-06-14T10:04:00.000-07:00

I've added a small aquarium to the house: a 5 gallon tank with a blue betta fish (Indigo) and a small snail posse. Indy is doing his job well, keeping the kittens (and myself) entertained:

How have I gone this long without an aquarium?

Singleness

2010-11-21T19:01:00.000-08:00

Most everything I've read or heard about Christian Singleness has left a bad taste in my mouth so, having encountered two refreshing blogs about Christian Singleness recently, I simply had to share them.

The first is from the Gospel Coalition and was shared with me by a friend who recently remarried. It's entitled Singleness with a Purpose. I'm especially thankful for his second point. I've never heard anyone cast a vision for the way Singleness uniquely portrays Christ and the Church (if I have, it has escaped me and if you're the one who shared it with me...I apologize :}).

The second is from my friend Laura Roberts. She's a single gal a few years my junior. Her post from earlier today is titled A Thought or Two on Singleness and Sanctification.

I find that I am inspired when I have a vision before me. These blogs both work to cast a Biblical vision of Singleness. So often I've felt the vision set before me as a single woman was simply "prepare yourself for your future husband" (who, incidentally, may or may not exist and who, if he does exist, will only be my husband for at best 50 or so years).

The vision of these posts is "prepare yourself for Christ" (my now and eternal bridegroom).

Singles, be encouraged and challenged. Marrieds, encourage and challenge your single friends with the vision of these posts.

Ephesians 5:15-16
Be very careful, then, how you live—not as unwise but as wise, making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil.

Let us be careful not to waste our days, be they single days or married days.

The Blues & The Mean Reds

2010-10-07T10:00:00.000-07:00

When I first saw 'Breakfast at Tiffany's' I had no idea what Audrey Hepburn's character meant by the 'Mean Reds'. But after last year's bout with depression, I think I do now.

"Mean Reds" seems like an apt description for the moments in depression when your mind begins to race and you feel as though your thoughts are coming from outside your mind, that they are an external attack and not simply your own sadness or false beliefs rearing their ugly heads. They cannot be reasoned with, you must simply wait them out.

At least that seemed to be the case for me. I fought with scripture and prayer and requested prayer from friends, but eventually I found that there were these...moods?...that would come on, usually in the night, that would torment me till I fell asleep and then be gone in the morning.

The "Mean Reds" are aggressive.

The "Blues", on the other hand, seem to me to be the deep sadness of Depression. The Weight of Depression that slows you and saps you.

If you're dealing with Depression - whether it's the "Blues" or the "Mean Reds" - please make sure someone in your life knows about it. And if you're experiencing thoughts of suicide, even if you know you wouldn't go through with it, please make sure someone in your life knows. You should not be alone with those thoughts. Give your sisters & brothers a chance to speak truth into your life. Let God use them to guard you from the craziest of the crazies.

A Visit From an Old Frenemy

2010-10-06T03:59:00.001-07:00

Depression has come for another visit.

For those of you who've followed this blog, you know that I was wrestling with a rather nasty bout of depression last year. (Well, nasty compared to what I've experienced before.) The cloud lifted on February 26th and, aside from some residual wisps, has stayed away.

Then, yesterday, like a fog rolling in, it returned. It started as a haunting sadness and settled in deeper over the course of the day. This morning when I woke up I could feel it sitting on me like a weight on my chest. I don't feel it as strongly now, but I can still sense it, like a leech on the back of my neck, draining my emotional reserves.

Thankfully this bout isn't *nearly* as serious as what I dealt with last year and I suspect it will be short lived. But a conversation I had with a friend over the weekend revealed to me that I'm not so free of the seeds of this depression as I thought. The issue that triggered last year's depression is still festering and, as I realized after said conversation, is probably behind the little wisps of depression I've seen in myself these last few months - the escapist TV watching, my somewhat obsessive enthusiasm for my new kittens, etc.

(Don't get me wrong, I love the kittens, but I think I'm a little more enthused about them than I might have been otherwise. There's something very comforting about small, furry, snuggly animals and I'm very thankful for their small, furry, snuggliness :})

Oh, and as to the title of this post, I called Depression a frenemy because though Depression disrupts my life it feels like it knows me and like I, to a lesser extent, know it. It feels familiar.

Sometimes I have to remind myself that I don't want this thing in my life. After all, it can be a convenient excuse for laziness, selfishness, and other sins. And sometimes it seems like Depression reduces my life to it's lowest common denominator, bringing a clarity that I lose when I think I can handle everything on my own.

But I must remember that Depression is not my natural state. I must remember to seek God now (in obedience) instead of waiting for Depression to force me to seek Him (for relief). I must choose the truth over the lies. And I must walk in His grace, fixing my eyes on Jesus, and trusting in His perfect Work on my behalf.

Soli Deo Gloria.

Picture of the Day: 9/8/10

2010-09-08T20:40:00.001-07:00

This is the latest casualty in the kitten-wars :{

Necklace by Katy Traughber (Withering Elm Jewelry & The Dandy Lion, New Albany)

Picture of the Day: 9/3/10

2010-09-03T15:26:00.000-07:00

As of this coming Sunday I will have been at UPS for 15 years. I got my 15 year plaque today - that's it on the left.

Picture of the Day: 9/2/10

2010-09-02T19:06:00.000-07:00

Meet Rudolph Valentino. He's a little worse for wear but just as suave as ever.

Picture of the Day: 8/31/10

2010-08-31T15:41:00.001-07:00

You know you work with programmers if...

...there are a dozen or more slots for Mt Dew in the soda machine.

Picture of the Day: 8/30/10, II

2010-08-31T15:39:00.000-07:00

This is my favorite picture of Captain Jack so far.

Picture of the Day: 8/30/10

2010-08-30T14:50:00.000-07:00

This is one of their favorite nap spots. These 2 do just about everything together.

Picture of the Day: 8/29/10

2010-08-29T16:01:00.001-07:00

Captain Jack is getting more and more snuggly with me.

Picture of the Day: 8/28/10

2010-08-28T18:21:00.000-07:00

Let's just say I didn't get much done today...

Picture of the Day: 8/27/10

2010-08-27T17:32:00.000-07:00

I brought this cutie and his brother home today.

Introducing Kim (above) and Captain Jack (below, front).

Picture of the Day: 8/26/10

2010-08-26T20:01:00.000-07:00

I've been in Minnesota with my iPhone but no laptop for the last few days. I've been busy song-writing and fellowshipping with a group of worship leaders and musicians, writing songs for multi-cultural, multi-ethnic and multi-lingual worship. Naturally our meals were equally "multi" - we had Hmong, Himalayan, Mexican, and the picture below is from our visit to Everest on Grand, a Nepali/Tibetan/Indian restaurant.

Picture of the Day: 8/20/10

2010-08-20T21:28:00.000-07:00

My "jolly ranchers"

Straight:

"Magazine" (Camera Bag filter):

"Cinema" (Camera Bag filter):

I couldn't decide which pic I liked best so you get all 3.

Picture of the Day: 8/19/10

2010-08-19T19:39:00.001-07:00

Meet my little "gargoyles", as one of my co-workers dubbed them.

George:

and Gerald:

They sit on either side of my laptop at work.

Bonus points if you can guess the joke (/pun/irony) in each of their names.

Picture of the Day: 8/18/10

2010-08-18T17:38:00.001-07:00

This is my view leaving the house in the morning. It actually represents a personal victory of sorts. The mud room & deck have been a mess for the last several months and I finally got them tidied up just recently. It makes me smile every time I see them.

Picture of the Day: 8/17/10

2010-08-17T19:30:00.000-07:00

I told myself that when I finally got an iPhone I'd use it to start photo-blogging. I told myself I'd take at least one picture a day (although I think I only meant week-days). So, here goes, your first 'Picture of the Day'.

I bought my iPhone this afternoon and immediately picked up Hipstamatic ($1.99) and PhotoShop Express (FREE!!). I spent most of community group taking pictures and playing with the settings, filters, etc. Thankfully it was a Family Meal night :} This pic is my favorite of the bunch.

Routines

2010-08-13T14:06:00.001-07:00

Well, my attempt to live according to a schedule earlier this year failed quickly. Very quickly :}. And yet here I am again, giving this schedule thing another go.

My plans are far less grandiose this time, which is probably why this schedule seems to be holding up better. This revised schedule represents my need to put limits on the hobbies and schemes I'm pursuing outside of work and my need to incorporate some normal, everyday things like excersise, doing the dishes and making lunch, various spiritual disciplines, etc.

I've pared back my goals where the disciplines are concerned too. I realized it's okay to not try and grow in all areas at once - I don't have to become a prayer warrior, brilliant Bible scholar and meditative mystic all at the same time. Using the path set forward in 'Invitation to Solitude and Silence', I'm focusing on growing in the disciplines of solitude and silence. My prayer-time will use the Lord's prayer and my Bible Reading time entails reading through Ephesians each day and asking the Spirit to work in my heart, trusting that He is with me as I read.

I'm also working through 'Get a Life' (horrible title, but recommended by someone with a track record for apt suggestions). Making time and space for this is a big reason I'm trying this schedule. I'm incorporating this study into my silence and solitude time.

Here's my rough sketch of what I'm aiming for during the week:

Morning
5:30-6 Exercise (Aerobic)
6-6:30 Shower/Dress for work
6:30-7:30 Make Breakfast, Prayer time & Bible reading

Dinner
1 hour for dinner:
Make dinner and lunch at the same time
Eat dinner
Relax for the rest of the hour

Bedtime
9-9:30 Daily Dishes and other household tasks (the goal is to leave the house tidy)
9:30-10 Silence & Solitude/Get a Life/Journaling time
10-10:30 Exercise (Anaerobic)

I've started this routine couple weeks ago. So far I've been pretty faithful to the dinner routine, making breakfast at home, and getting the daily dishes/household tasks done. I've been hit and miss with the other things, especially the spiritual discipline items, and my morning routine is pretty weak overall.

I've been fine-tuning the schedule as I go. I originally planned to have my evening 'spiritual discipline' after my exercise, but I was too tired afterwards. Trying to sit in silence for 10-15 minutes when you're nodding off does not yield great quality time with God. :} I also discovered that the only way I'll remember to take the lunch I made the night before is to leave my keys in the lunch bag. :}

As fall looms with all of its commitments I'm feeling the pressure to scrap my schedule and go back to letting these commitments rule my life. I'm trying to prayerfully consider my list of committments and see what might need to fall off my plate and what might simply need to be viewed differently.

For example, when I have projects I want to tackle around the house, I tend to make a list of them all and attempt to schedule my evenings in such a way that I can knock them all out in one week. Recently I decided instead to split my list into sections and tackle one small section a week. Given that I really only have a few hours a week to give to these items, this approach has been much more successful. I've actually been whittling down my list and since I've been keeping my schedule (stopping at 9 o'clock, etc.) I've felt more rested even though I've probably actually worked harder.

So far I'm thankful for this routine and pray that the Lord helps me adhere to it more faithfully - not because there's something mystical about it, but because it is proving to be a means of grace and peace in my life, a way of drawing boundaries to protect the things that are important and life giving, things that I feel He is calling me to.

A day in the life of Atkins

2010-08-03T07:12:00.000-07:00

I've been on the Atkins diet (phase 1) for just over a month now. Initially I was doing the 'fast food' Atkins diet (drive through, get a burger and side salad and ditch the bun). I lost weight the first couple weeks but when I didn't lose any the next two weeks I gave in and started making my own food and adding up my carbs. Whether it was that change or my 'cheat' of a slice of pie and sweet tea last weekend (some folks claim that the occasional carb indulgence breaks their Atkins plateaus), I'm not sure, but I'm losing weight again.

Here's my current menu:

Breakfast: Scrambled eggs
2 eggs (the yummy, brown, cage-free kind)
1/4 cup pepper blend cheese
1/4 cup sharp chedder cheese
1/4 cup pico de gallo (Kroger sells this pre-made in the veggie section)
a dash of salt, black pepper, and cayenne pepper

Snack #1 - Vermont White Cheddar cheese stick

Lunch: Angus Burger and a small salad
1 Angus burger (I've been getting the cheese and bacon ones. Yum.)
1 slice colby cheese
1 slice red onion (I found these pre-sliced in the veggie section too.)

1.5 cups Baby Spring Mix
1/4 cup pico de gallo
1/4 cup pepper blend cheese
1/4 cup sharp chedder cheese
1/8 cup bacon bits (real bacon)
2 tbsp guacamole (also available in the Kroger veggie section)
1 tbsp sour cream (I just added this today so we'll see how it goes...)

Snack #2 - sugar free jello
(I've found the name brand kind that's found in a refridgerated section is much better than the stuff that sits out on the shelves. So far I've found packs of cherry/black cherry, orange/lime, and strawberry-acai.)

Snack #3 - second cheese stick

Dinner: Skillet Steak and a small salad
1 pre seasoned skillet steak

2 cups Baby Spring Mix
1/4 cup pico de gallo
1/4 cup pepper blend cheese
1/4 cup sharp chedder cheese
1/8 cup bacon bits (real bacon)
4 tbsp guacamole (also available in the Kroger veggie section)
2 tbsp sour cream

I find that getting the veggies pre-diced, sliced, etc. greatly increases my chances of actually using them.

I'm taking a few supplements too (as recommended for folks on Atkins):
Multi-vitamin without iron
Omega-3
B Complex (since reviews of the daily multi-vitamin I picked mentioned that it was weak on B vitamins)

I typically take a daily iron supplement as well, but I don't seem to need quite as much of that now. I'm playing around with the dosage to figure out how little I can take and still stave off my anemia.

I also take 2 doses of Triphala a day for, um, regularity. I started using this to counter the effects of my iron supplement and it's even more important now.

A Brief Break from Blogging

2010-05-27T20:01:00.000-07:00

Honestly, I don't know if it'll be a day, a month, or more, but I figured I'd end the suspense (most of which is mine I'm sure :}) and let y'all know I'm taking a bit of a break from blogging. At the moment I'm enjoying living life instead of narrating it :}

Recipe: Southwest Soup

2010-05-03T18:12:00.000-07:00

I got this recipe from Kristen Miller and made a few adjustments to spice it up a bit.

Southwest Soup:
1 yellow onion (diced)
3 tbsp butter (I used Brummel & Brown spread)
1 can Kidney Beans (undrained)
1 can Black Beans (undrained)
2 cans Pinto Beans (undrained)
2 cans Corn (undrained)
3 14.5oz cans Diced Tomatoes with Chilies (Hot)
2 12.5oz cans Chicken (drained and mashed with a fork)
2 1.25oz packets Taco Seasoning (Hot)
2 1oz packets Hidden Valley Ranch seasoning

In a big pot, saute the onion with the butter.
(I set the burner to medium heat)

When translucent, turn down the heat to low and add the beans, corn, tomatoes, and chicken.
(I then turned the heat back to medium)

Ladle some of the liquid into a separate bowl and whisk in the hidden valley ranch and taco seasoning.

When smooth add to the soup, and heat until desired heat.
(I let it cook for about 30 minutes while I made corn bread. It reached a boil by the end of that time.)

It’s good for a week refrigerated and a month frozen.

Homemade Skin Care products

2010-04-28T17:22:00.000-07:00

I was re-examining my budget recently and lamenting the fact that I had hardly anything budgeted for books and movies and other fun things. But then I realized I had $240/yr set aside *just* for skin care products - cleanser, moisturizer, etc! Let's be honest, I'd rather spend money on books and movies (and other fun things) than on skin care.

Since I like trying to make things myself I thought I'd give homemade products another go. (I've tried and given up on homemade shampoo and homemade deodorant.)

I got most all of these recipes from Homemade Beauty Recipes. They're all really simple, quick to make, and, with the exception of the glycerin, I already had all the ingredients on hand. (Of course the only reason I had essential oils on hand was because of my failed homemade deodorant experiment...)

BODY SCRUB
Ingredients:
1 cup salt, any kind (I had some finely ground dead sea salt on hand)
1 cup Carrier oil, any kind (I'd have used all Olive oil if I'd had enough on hand)
1 cup liquid soap (I used Dr. Bronners - I had some left from a homemade shampoo experiment)
a few drops of your favorite essential oils to make the smell a little less...oily

Instructions:
Mix all the ingredients and massage into the skin then rinse well. Salt is natures' healing ingredient for all!

Note: The texture of this wasn't as nice as the salt/oil scrubs I've purchased, but it did the trick - left me feeling both scrubbed and lightly moisturized.

HAIR RINSE
Ingredients:
1 tbsp apple cider vinegar
16 oz of distilled water.

Directions:
Combine the apple cider with the water, stir. Pour through hair to get rid of buildup and soften hair at the same time. Rinse with tap water.

Note: This is making my hair so happy. I've used it twice so far. The biggest change I've noticed is that when I go a day without washing my hair it doesn't get *nearly* so greasy.

FACE TONER
Ingredients:
1/2c Witch Hazel
10 to 20 drops of your Essential oil. (Sandalwood, Tea Tree Essential Oil, neroli, vanilla oil) Read the label to see the recommenced amount.

Directions:
Mix ingredients well in bottle. Shake before each Use. Apply to face with cotton ball after cleansing.

Note: You'll definitely want to make sure you moisturize after using this of the exfoliant.

MOISTURIZER
Vitamin E oil

Note: I bought this from the drugstore and poured it into a bottle with a pump top. I apply it lightly to my face and more liberally to the rest of me. My skin is *loving* this. Of course, my skin tends to get pretty dry.

EXFOLIANT
Ingredients:
Lemon juice
Baking Soda

Instructions:
In a small bowl, add about 2 tbs baking soda. Slowly apply lemon juice. The mixture will foam and fizz. Apply enough juice to make a thin, loose paste. Apply to skin in a circular motion for a minute or 2. Rinse with a warm cloth and water. Smooth, clear skin!

Note: I only expect to use this 1-2 times a week, like I would any exfoliant.

FACIAL CLEANSER
Ingredients:
2 Tbs. cornstarch
2 Tbs. glycerin
1/2 c. water
essential oils to scent

Instructions:
Mix ingredients until smooth. Heat on medium heat in a small double boiler pan Heat until thick and translucent; it will have the consistency of pudding. Do not boil. Cool completely, Use in place of soap to cleanse your skin.

Note: I haven't tried this one yet since I'm still waiting for my glycerin to arrive.

I've only been using these for a couple of days but my skin and hair are pretty happy about them so far. If that changes I'll let you know :}

40 Days and Nights: Week One Lessons Learned

2010-04-22T08:04:00.000-07:00

Last week went pretty well (though in all fairness, I was on vacation...) but this week has been a disaster.

The snowball effect
Sunday night I was feeling tired - partly from sleeping on the ground over the weekend and partly, I imagine, from cheating on my diet (see My evil nemesis carbs, below). At any rate, I wound up bailing on my committments for that evening and staying in. (In retrospect, yes I was tired, but I think it would have been better - and more fun - for me to have kept those committments.)

I didn't make the soup I keep planning to use for dinners and I didn't make Monday's lunch. So then Monday rolls around and I'm sluggish and fighting my routine (see What am I believing about God, below) and I roll out the door without packing my lunch.

It's been all downhill from there. A couple choices to indulge rather than obey have made every subsequent choice to indulge (um, sin) easier and every subsequent choice to obey tougher.

My evil nemesis, carbs
Oh so yummy, oh so bad for me. I let myself cheat on my diet more and more last week and then this week it's been all carbs all the time. Not only do I feel the difference physically but it really screws with my emotions. I am more insecure, more down, etc.

Fix your eyes on Jesus (aka: Hello idolatry, how are you?)
It seems I have to fight to keep my eyes fixed on Jesus (Hebrews 12:2-3). I don't just mean that I easily shift my focus away from Jesus, I mean that it's important to fight to shift my focus back (II Corinthians 10:5).

I learned about this during my journey through fun-with-depression-land last year, but I seem to be learning it anew. For example, when I fix my eyes on gardening (obsessing over what plants I'm gonna buy this year, how I'm gonna arrange them, etc.) I can't seem to find the motivation to get up early, get through my morning routine effeciently, work with focus, etc. The same thing happens when I fix my eyes on TV (obsessing about the show of the moment, being tethered to Hulu when I'm at home, feeling like I can't work without the TV on, etc.) or on planning my future (making my budget, figuring out how I'll stagger home improvements, when I can be debt free, etc.).

None of these things (gardening, TV, planning) are bad in their place but I so easily turn them into obsessions. It's so much easier for me to "fix my eyes" on these things than on Jesus.

What am I believing about God?
"If I let Him run my life He will stretch me so thin and never let me have a break or any fun." At least I think that's a decent description of what I caught myself believing about God this week. I couldn't figure out why I was fighting my routine so fiercely and I finally realized I was believing this. So I was rebelling and taking fun and rest into my own hands - which of course just leads me back to the crazy, stressed out rhythm I'm trying to break free of.

Remembering the Gospel
Praise God I am not saved or accepted on the basis of my own merit! Whenever I get caught in cycles like the one this week (starting the week off rough and getting caught up in whirlwind of poor and often sinful choices) I begin to get a little panicky about how I'm going to break that cycle.

It usually goes something like this:

- I make a choice that seems like it might be rooted in gospel freedom, but in retrospect I realize was probably self-indulgent/not the wisest choice.
- I make a few choices that I know are sinful, self-indulgent choices, but I enjoy them and tell myself I'll repent and square it with God later.
- I make a few more sinful, self-indulgent choices that I don't feel so good about. I'm starting to feel compelled to make these choices by this point. I might send up a few "Lord forgive me", "Lord help me" prayers here.
- I start to feel stuck making sinful, self-indulgent choices and the "Lord forgive me"/"Lord help me" prayers start coming fast and furious. I'm still not actually sitting down and taking time with God though.
- I start to get scared that I can't get out of the cycle.

Eventually God sits me down and walks me through confession and repentance:

- I get still before Him.
- He reminds me who He is.
- I confess my sin.
- He leads me in mourning over my sin.
- He reminds me that His son bore all of my sin on the cross so the debt I incurred is already paid.
- He reminds me that because of Christ and the work of the Holy Spirit, I am no longer a slave to my sin and I don't have to live in these patterns.
- I repent as He fills me with joy and hope.
- By the power of the Spirit I remember why I obey: God loves me and has good things for me (Luke 11:11-13) so it makes sense to pursue Him instead of the world.
- I realize He has turned my gaze from my sin and all the other things I obsess over and fixed my eyes back on Him.

By the power of the Holy Spirit I then fight to continue to fix my eyes on Him and walk in obedience.

Moving Forward
As I mentioned above (in What am I believing about God?), I seem to struggle with the idea that God gives good gifts. I read the devotional about God giving good gifts to His children (Sojourn devotional on Luke 11:11-13) and what reaches my brain is more like "God gives good gifts to His other children" or "God isn't going to give good gifts to you" or "God's "good" gifts are actually bad gifts" - like that relative who just doesn't get you and always buys you something you hate.

So basically, I turn the truth of God into a lie. Sound familiar? (Genesis 3:1-5)

I really want to get this concept, to understand it biblically, not just adopt an understanding that pleases my itching ears but isn't really true.

Post Script
I'm also realizing that I don't really learn something until I take time to process it like this - to sit down and reflect on it and write it out. The sections of my daily log that have been the most blessing and the most helpful to me are the "Today's Verses" and "Things I Learned" sections.

There were a couple days I knew right off what my verses and lessons learned were, but there have also been a couple days where I had no clue. I was tempted to leave those spots blank but, being anal, I instead prayed and asked God to show me what my verse for the day was and what He'd been teaching me that day. And He answered.

Reflecting on those things and writing down the "Things I'm thankful for" tends to shift my mood from one of task-oriented frustration (as I've been cataloging how well I stuck to my schedule and what I struggled with) to one of joy and thanksgiving.

(Ahem, of course with the craziness of this week I haven't taken time for this the last 2 nights...but, as the gospel reminds me, that trend doesn't have to continue.)

My Apparent Penchant for Poisonous Plants

2010-04-19T18:50:00.000-07:00

It's that time again - flower planting time. I didn't plan to buy any plants this year, but they're everywhere! I can't avoid them! The Petunias persuade me, the Columbines call to me, the Leopard's Bane...well, I don't know what the Leopard's Bane did, but they came home with me too.

I get a kick out of filling my garden with dangerous (or at least dangerous-sounding) plants. I have Loosestrife, *Hell*eborus (poisonous) - it's friendlier name is "Lenten Rose", Leopard's Bane (poisonous) and now I have some Foxglove (also poisonous) on the way.

I've found that the plants that seem to do best in my yard are drought-resistant, partial-shade lovers. I attribute this to the abundance of Maple trees in my yard - they suck up the water and hide the sun. On the plus side, they're nice to look at and lower my energy bill in the summer.

Many of my plants are also butterfly attractors. I haven't observed any butterflies yet, but perhaps they are simply being sneaky.

I'm trying to stick with pink, white, and yellow flowers for my wee garden. I do have a few purple things right up against the house, but I figure if you're going to deviate, that's the place to do it (since your landscaping is supposed to draw the eye toward the house).

I'm currently camera-less or I'd upload lots of photos for you. Perhaps I can borrow one from a friend....

Camping!

2010-04-18T18:04:00.001-07:00

I returned home today from my first camping trip this year - the first of several I hope. We camped in Hoosier National Forest. It was gorgeous. I'm just a novice camper but I really liked their camp grounds - cheap, plentiful bathroom facilities (which were pretty nice for camp bathrooms), good site layout, good proximity to hiking trails and lakes (open for swimming after Memorial Day, I believe), etc. Plus it's just over an hour outside of Louisville (no matter what Google Maps tells you).

Laura Short, a fellow Sojourner, camped with me and she brought along her 1yr old St. Bernard, Arthur. He was our great protector over the weekend :}

I got to build my first fire all-by-myself!! Laura gave me some pointers Saturday night and then, since I got up first today, I built this morning's fire.

We cooked our fancy (for camp meals) over the open flame Saturday night - skillet roasted fajita veggies and Italian sausage for me, roasted veggies with hummus and veggie soup with Quinoa for Laura. Laura actually brought a cutting board and prepped her meal from scratch. I just bought a bag of pre-seasoned fajita veggies from Kroger :}.

And, of course, chocolate-covered cream-puffs for dessert.

Between building my first fire all-by-my-lonesome, cooking my own meal over the open-flame, and setting up my tent so it actually stayed dry despite the rain Friday, I'm pretty proud of myself :}

I made a few camping supply purchases before I left town Friday and got to use all but one of them. I felt like a pro using my camping skillet and swiss-army-knife-style utensils. The tarp I purchased to put under my tent is ginormous! I think I could tarp my house with this thing. And I think my favorite purchase is my little LED lantern. It came in very handy...plus it's cute :}

Now that I'm home, I've started a "Camping Gear Wishlist". First item? Air Mattress. Me + Hard ground = Uncomfortable. Second item? Larger tent. I slept diagonally in my tent and I still didn't really have room to fully extend my legs and keep my sleeping bag and pillow from touching the edge of the tent.

I'm really looking forward to my next trip. I hope to try and camp during each break between Theology class sessions.

40 Days and 40 Nights: The Experiment Log

2010-04-15T03:00:00.000-07:00

I made up a log to use to track what I'm learning and how well I'm adhering to my plan. (Yep, I'm *that* girl) In case you're curious, you can download it here.

Page 1 is my coversheet - a reminder of what the schedule entails and what I want to focus on during these 40 days. You'll notice the "focus" side is blank :} I'm filling that in by hand. A lot of what I wrote yesterday will go there.

I printed 40 of page 2. These will be my daily journal outlines. I want to at least fill these out daily even if I don't go on and do more "traditional" journaling after that. I'm hoping the questions will help me get the most out of this process and remind me why I'm doing this. I expect these pages will also make it easier for me to come up with blog ideas as this experiment progresses.

Page 3 is my high-level weekly check.

Page 4 is my summary "what have we learned" place holder. Since I started today I'll get to close my experiment on Pentacost. I may not have much time that day to devote to prayer and fasting so I may do that the day before and make Pentacost a celebration day.

Delight yourself in the Lord

2010-04-14T06:05:00.000-07:00

Today is day 1 of my 40 day experiment.

I attended the Sojourn Women's retreat this past weekend and God used the teaching to convict me about my heart/attitude concerning this little experiment of mine. I realized I was acting like it was *my* responsibility to bring myself to life, and that this experiment had become my latest attempt to achieve that. I was thinking as though Christ had taken care of my death to sin, but not my rising to new life, a life where I am no longer a slave to sin. I was reminded this weekend that in Christ the work is done.

Let me say that again: In Christ, the work is done.

I confess, I still have trouble wrapping my mind around that. I don't mean that I'm not called to grow in holiness, in Christ-likeness - I certainly am. But that "work" doesn't earn me acceptance - Christ earned my acceptance. It doesn't earn me salvation - Christ earned my salvation. It doesn't earn me points with God - Christ is my righteousness. It's not my perfect life, but Christ's perfect life that I should be relying on.

I also realized that I had forgotten about loving God with my heart. I had forgotten about delighting in God.

So now, instead of viewing this experiment as a time to try and beat my sin, I want to remember that in Christ, my sin is already defeated and I want to join God in using this time to learn to delight in Him. I want God to be "my joy and my delight" (Psalms 43:4). I want to grow in loving Him with my heart, not just my mind and my strength (ref: Mark 28:30)

My previous routine was running my life and precluded taking delight in much of anything - friends, hobbies, or God. I have been staying up late to get things done while watching copious amounts of Hulu and not working terribly efficiently. This makes me sluggish in the morning which means I get to work later and then have to work later. So then I get home late and still have lots to get done. Which leads to me being always behind the 8-ball and turning down "let's hang out"'s left and right.

I confess, part of me likes that routine. It makes me feel important to be that busy, so busy I have to constantly say "I'm sorry, I can't, I just don't have time". And I'm a hardcore introvert so it also gave me lots of excuses to bow out of community. (And those of you who've read my earlier posts know that I know that's not a good pattern.) And it was an incredibly self-indulgent routine. I used TV to keep myself working, lived on caffeine and sugar, taking no responsibility for my health (or sanity :}).

I've also been feeling overwhelmed community-wise - ironic given what I said above, I know. What I mean is, I've been feeling stretched wide with all my pockets of community, but I feel a lack of deep community. I realized in conversation with a friend last night that the answer isn't necessarily withdrawing from some of those pockets of community, but that I need to learn how to "do" community. It's not something that comes naturally to me. I tend to put barriers between myself and other people.

I've promised myself not to withdraw from any of my communities for the length of this experiment. I'm praying God will use this time to help me see if that's something I need to do, or if the answer to my dilemma lies elsewhere.

I am hoping that this new schedule will show me what I actually have time to commit to - and that God will give me grace to accept that.

It's got time carved out for daily time with God so I'm praying that God blesses those times and uses them to teach me about delighting in Him.

I've greatly restricted the amount of time I'm giving to "work" each evening, so I'm praying that I can learn to work more efficiently (step 1 being "turn off Hulu" :}) and that I'll find I have more time and energy to invest in community.

As He's been working to reveal my need to learn to love Him with my heart and growing in me the desire to learn that, God has also been working in my heart to convict me of my need to grow in loving others and He has been increasing my desire for that growth. I pray God will use this season, this schedule, to further that work. I already have a couple ideas for small things, next steps, in getting more connected with my neighborhood.

And I'm giving time to deliberate rest and general fun-having. I'm looking forward to that bit :}

40 Days and 40 Nights

2010-04-07T10:24:00.000-07:00

I've been struggling with what godly work and godly rest look like.

I want to try living according to the following schedule for 40 days to see what God teaches me - about work and rest, about my sin (particularly my laziness and self-indulgence), about my need for the gospel, about all the other, not-God, things I "rest" in, about my motivations for taking up different tasks, etc.

I've been praying about all the things I'm involved in and where I should be investing my time - which relationships, which service committments, etc. I'm praying that God will use this experiment to give me clarity and wisdom about those things.

Here's the proposed schedule:
6-6:30 Prayer
6:30-7 Exercise
7-8 Get ready
8-6:30 Work + commute
6:30-7 Dinner
7-9 Various*
9-9:30 Make lunch for following day
9:30-10 Evening Worship (time in Word, song, meditation)
10PM-6AM Sleep

* prep-work for the Systematic Theology class, other administrative tasks, blogging, time with people, house/garden work, etc.

Obviously this won't work perfectly everyday and I don't want it to become a rule or some kind of legalistic thing, but I want to try and follow it strictly enough to feel the contrast with the way I normally structure my days and weeks.

On the weekends I still want to do most of the same things but instead of going to work I'll either take a day for fun and rest (Sunday) or devote the time to my Various* items. If I know I'm only going to get a partial Sunday to rest, I will try and devote one of my week-nights to fun/restful activites.

I'd like to try and go out and do something fun with people every week, say Friday or Saturday night. This is one of the things I have been having real trouble making time for.

During this experiment I'd like to try limiting my TV time to 4 hours a week. I think that all the TV I watch is keeping me in a kind of haze, disconnected from reality. As I was telling some friends recently, I keep myself so "filled up" with this kind of thing that I don't get hungry for the things that really satisfy. Just like living on junk food seems to keep me "full" but doesn't acutally provide my body what it needs.

I also want to try and push myself to find new ways to spend my fun/resting time. I don't want to give all my "fun" time to books and TV - hence the TV time-limit. I want to get outside, try new (or long-forgotten) things, go to the park, go camping, etc.

Also, I have a tendency to take a working lunch but during this experiment I want to take a proper lunch and use it to work on my various non-fiction reading assignments (Systematic Theology, etc.).

I want to make a point to read through the Sojourn daily devotional each morning and then take small moments throughout the day (like when I'm tempted to check my email for the umpteenth time) to pause and reflect on the reading. Then my evening worship time will be the culmination of things I've been reflecting on all day.

And of course, I want to continue to try eating according to my Daniel Diet plan. I've had more days where I cheated on my diet than days where I've been true to it, so this is a good chance to renew my committment.

I also have a tendency to pile experiment on top of experiment - adding a new one any time I get bored or frustrated. So, I'd also like to "fast" from adding additional experiments - extra "fasts", new large-scale projects, etc.

And, lastly, no good expirement is complete without a log. I won't promise to blog everything here, but I'll take some time in the evening (at bedtime) to journal my "results" daily and I'll blog at least 2-3 times a week. After I've journaled, if it's not too late, I'd like to give a little time to "fun" reading before lights-out.

So, since I'm hoping to try this for 40 days without any major alterations, I thought it might be a good idea to get some feedback on my little plan.

What do you think? Is there anything obvious I've forgotten to make time for? Any suggestions for getting the most out of this experiment? After all, I'm not just looking for habit change, I want participate in God's work of heart change.

The Daniel Diet, Day 10...or Day 1

2010-03-22T18:12:00.000-07:00

I've been back on the diet all day today. Hooray! I was still feeling a bit sleepy and I wound up having 2 cups of tea instead of the 1 afternoon tea I was having last week. I may still be paying for this weekend's carb-bender so I'm hoping I'll start feeling more alert as the days progress.

Here's what today looked like:

Breakfast (around 9:30) - Green smoothie

Morning snack (around 10:30) - handful of almonds and a cup of tea**

Lunch (around 12) - Kristen's Chicken Salad on Ezekiel bread*, a handful of baby carrots, and strawberry flavored Greek Yogurt

Afternoon snack 1 (around 2) - apple and string-cheese

Afternoon tea (around 3)**

Afternoon snack 2 (around 4) - blueberry flavored Greek Yogurt and a bag of kettle corn

Dinner (around 7/8) - pre-seasoned skillet steak and a bag of steamed veggies

*The Ezekiel bread I'm using (the Sesame Seed loaf) does contain gluten but I don't seem to be getting terribly sleepy after lunch so I'm continuing to use it for now.
**I'm sweetening my tea with a teaspoon of agave.

I'm hungry at the moment, but I've had plenty of calories for today so I'm drinking water instead of snacking.

The Daniel Diet, Falling Off the Wagon

2010-03-21T19:26:00.001-07:00

I was doing pretty good last week and was starting to feel better. I could go longer stretches between snacks without feeling weak, etc. And then came Thursday.

I got home 'round 7 and instead of starting dinner I got on the internet. My last snack had been around 4 and I was feeling fine when I got home, but by 8 I was starting to feel weak, etc. and I *really* wanted to give in and have my old 'loaded potato' dinner: potato with butter, cheese, cayenne pepper, plain, fat-free yogurt, and salsa.

I held out till 9. I couldn't make myself go and make a proper dinner (which would have been a skillet steak and steamed veggies) and kept passive aggressively putting off doing anything at all.

Finally, at around 9:30, I caved and made myself a potato.

I expected it to either put me right to sleep, like it had the week before, or have no noticeable affect on me. Instead I was awake until 1AM.

I was exhausted all day Friday. Since I hadn't made my chicken salad the night before I had to buy lunch in the cafeteria. So, I made another anti-diet choice and had grilled cheese and onion rings. Yummy, but soporific.

By the time I got off work all I wanted was to go home and go to bed. Unfortunately I had a lot to get done - finishing up my prep for Saturday's Theology class, tidying the house, etc. So I decided to compromise and take a short nap and pull an all-nighter. Since I had already broken my diet, I stopped to get a 2-liter of Mt. Dew on the way home. It's been out of my system for about a month so I figured it would do a good job of keeping me awake.

I got home at about 7 and went straight to bed. I briefly considered setting my alarm but then figured I was safe trusting myself to wake up in just a couple of hours.

So, 2AM rolls around and I come full-awake like one of those turkeys with the timer that pops out when it's done. And I was in an *excellent* mood. (I ran across something in my googling a couple weeks ago about people with symptoms like mine waking up with a "sugar high".)

At this point I didn't want to get up and work, I just wanted to get back to sleep so I could avoid screwing up my sleep cycle. I lay awake for probably a half an hour before I gave in and got up and got on the internet. After another half hour or so I went back to bed and probably caught another 30-60 minutes of sleep before getting up for good at 6:45.

I still felt a bit tired, but nothing like I had on Friday. That night I gave in and had another potato.

I went to bed at a decent time and got plenty of sleep but I was exhausted when I got up this morning. That, and the grace of God, have gotten me back on my diet :}

I've been good today and since about 7PM I've finally started feeling more alert.

Crazy body.

The Daniel Diet, Day 4

2010-03-15T09:00:00.000-07:00

Since I've been concerned that I might not be getting in enough calories I though I'd track my consumption today and use MyPyramid to add it all up. I'm also adding some more protein to breakfast in the form of scrambled eggs. Also, based on my experience these last few days, I'm assuming I need to eat something approximately every 2 hours to keep my blood sugar up.

Breakfast (~8:30):
Smoothie
1/4 avacado
1 banana
~1c mixed strawberries, mango, pineapple
~2c spinach
(I was out of yogurt)

Scrambled Eggs
2 eggs
~1/4c shredded "Mexican Style" cheese
~1/4c diced tomatoes w/ chipotle
dash of cayenne & black peppers & salt

Snack 1 (~10:30):
1 Yoplait blueberry greek yogurt
~1/4c almonds

Tea w/ 2 teaspoons sugar (I'm going start drinking this straight)

Lunch (~12):
2 slices Ezekiel bread
2 slices Roma tomato
~1c tuna salad (I added 1tbsp dijon mustard and cayenne to the recipe this time)
1/4c carrots
1 Borden mozarella string-cheese-stick

Snack 2 (~2):
1 apple
1 Borden mozarella string-cheese-stick

Snack 3 (~4):
1 Yoplait blueberry greek yogurt
1 bag PopSecret Kettle corn

Dinner (~6:30) I won't be home till late so this is more of a second lunch:
2 slices Ezekiel bread
2 slices Roma tomato
~1c tuna salad (I added 1tbsp dijon mustard and cayenne to the recipe this time)
1/4c carrots

Snack 4 (~9) I needed something to keep me going so I could get in a bit more done...otherwise I'd be heading for bed at 9 :}
~1c 100% fruit, grapefruit juice

I've been reflecting off and on these last few days about the difference between this "fun with blood-sugar" adventure and the past year. It's easy for me to focus on the fact that I'm not feeling the best and forget how good I actually *am* feeling. I praise God that even though this current adventure may leave me randomly tired or unable to concentrate, my mood is still generally good and I am not plagued by untruths. By His grace I continue to find joy in the freedom He has given me, in His truth, and in the Power of the Spirit at work in me (an around me!).

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
I just entered my totals and it looks like I'm actually consuming *more* calories than I need to. I added the scrambled egg to get more protein but the menu above has about 2x the protein I need (and more cholesterol than I need) so I'm going to skip it tomorrow and see how things add up. I went to the grocery tonight so I'll be adding the yogurt back in.

I'm also getting 3x the carbs I need and a little extra fiber. Of course I had to enter "tuna fish sandwich" so I don't know if being able to specify "Ezekiel bread" would have reduced my carb number.

I'm curious to see how switching out the scrambled egg for plain yogurt and having a proper dinner (skillet steak and veggies instead of a tuna fish sandwich) changes things. Except for being a little over on a couple things my nutrients balanced pretty well. The only thing I at all under consumed was iron and I already take a supplement for that. So, I'm hoping this means that my occasional icky feeling is just a sort of sugar-detox.

Things You Can Do With Your Voice, a Playlist

2010-03-14T08:31:00.001-07:00

I recently discovered that one of my fellow vocalists had never heard of Antonio Jobim. Shortly after that, another vocalist/vocal lover suggested I get my hands on Bobby McFerrin's Live in Barcelona.

Last night I made myself a Bobby McFerrin station on Pandora and lo, and behold, it's peppered with Antonio Jobim's work. There were also a couple songs by Hugh Masekela that caught my ear.

I got all excited and decided to make my friend a mix CD. The mix is pretty warm and mellow.

I already had the Astrud Gilberto tracks, but the rest are from last nights purchases. Corcovado, The Girl From Ipanema, Meditation, and How Insensitive are all Jobim compositions.

1 - Corcovado, Astrud Gilberto & Stan Getz on Verve Jazz Masters 9
2 - Improvisació 1, Bobby McFerrin on Live in Barcelona, Palau de la Música Catalana
3 - Stimela (Coal Train), Hugh Masekela on Still Grazing
4 - Ave Maria Sobre Un Preludi De J. S. Back, Bobby McFerrin & Orfeó Català on Live in Barcelona, Palau de la Música Catalana
5 - The Girl From Ipanema, Astrud Gilberto, Joao Gilberto & Stan Getz on Getz / Gilberto
6 - Falsa Baiana, Joao Gilberto on Bossa Nova - Trinta Anos Depois
7 - Improvisació 6, Bobby McFerrin & Dani Morales on Live in Barcelona, Palau de la Música Catalana
8 - Con Mucho Carino, Hugh Masekela on The Lasting Impressions of Ooga Booga
9 - So Nice (Summer Samba), Astrud Gilberto & Walter Wanderley Trio on 20th Century Masters - The Millenium Collection: The Best of Astrud Gilberto
10 - Meditation, Astrud Gilberto on Astrud Gilberto's Finest Hour
11 - Ária De La Suite Núm. 3 En Re Major, BMV 1068, Bobby McFerrin on Live in Barcelona, Palau de la Música Catalana
12 - Grace, Bobby McFerrin & Orfeó Català on Live in Barcelona, Palau de la Música Catalana
13 - How Insensitive, Astrud Gilberto on The Astrud Gilberto Album
14 - Blackbird, Bobby McFerrin on Live in Barcelona, Palau de la Música Catalana
15 - Languta, Hugh Masekela on Still Grazing
16 - Here's That Rainy Day, Astrud Gilberto & Walter Wanderley Trio on Verve Unmixed 2
17 - Drive My Car, Bobby McFerrin on Live in Barcelona, Palau de la Música Catalana
18 - Afro Beat Blues, Hugh Masekela & Ojah on Hugh Masekela Presents the CHISA Years: 1965-1975 (Rare & Unreleased)

Man shall not live by bread alone...

2010-03-13T12:25:00.001-08:00

"He humbled you, causing you to hunger and then feeding you with manna, which neither you nor your fathers had known, to teach you that man does not live on bread alone but on every word that comes from the mouth of the LORD."
Deuteronomy 8:3

I realize this verse has nothing to do with changing your diet to figure out what you can eat and remain alert, but I want carbs **so** bad right now!! So, I am reminding myself that God is enough (and more than enough).

I quoted another "bread" verse to someone this morning:

"Why spend money on what is not bread, and your labor on what does not satisfy? Listen, listen to me, and eat what is good, and your soul will delight in the richest of fare."
Isaiah 55:2

I've been dealing with light-headedness, headaches, fogginess, feeling weak, etc. and just plain being hungry today. Some of that may be my body adjusting to the lack of sugar, but it's probably also actual hunger. I'm finding that I can't seem to skip or delay meals like I could before - non-carb-y foods just don't bring me bouncing right back. And I seem to get stubborn as I feel worse and I find myself refusing to eat because I can't eat what I want or can't quickly think of something I *can* eat.

I'm also finding that I can't seem to go on as little sleep as I was, which has made this busy week difficult.

I want so bad to go eat something carb-y right now! I feel like it would bring me back to feeling "normal". But, objectively remembering my experience this past couple weeks, it seems that even if it briefly "restored" me, it would ultimately leave me sleepier and/or foggier than before.

I'm hoping that enduring this will prove fruitful - that my body will adjust to the lack of sugar and I'll regain clarity and energy - and that this isn't just some foolish, stubborn experiment on my part :}.

And I'm hoping that the bits of carbs/sugar I *am* still allowing myself (a tsp of sugar in my tea, mayo in my tuna salad that contains sugar, etc.) aren't "polluting" the experiment.

Lord, may I remember in my hunger that you are the one who satisfies, you are the only real comfort. Please help me to trust in you for the strength to persevere, please give me wisdom for these choices, and please use this to grow me in discipline and obedience.

Those of you who know better than me about these dietary things, I'm hoping you'll weight in with your dietary wisdom. Are these symptoms normal for someone switching to this diet? Do I just need to wait it out? Are the bits of sugar I'm still consuming aggravating the issue?

OK...I'm off now to make myself a tuna-fish sandwich on Ezekiel bread :}

A Bibliography of Non-Fiction

2010-03-12T03:58:00.000-08:00

I was realizing yesterday that I've been diving deep into the non-fiction this past 6-9 months - well, deep for me :}. At any rate, I'm about to get another book (and I'm quite excited about it) and so I thought I'd share a list of these books that have been blessing and encouraging me lately.

1-Depression: A Stubborn Darkness, by Edward Welch
This book was a huge encouragement to me over the last year and I've been recommending it like crazy.

2-Systematic Theology: An Introduction to Bible Doctrine, by Wayne Grudem
I've been studying through this with some other women and it's been a huge blessing. We'll be reaching the half-way mark in a few weeks. Woohoo!

3-Worship Matters: Leading Others to Encounter the Greatness of God, by Bob Kauflin
I've started reading through this with a couple other ladies on our worship team. So far I've found it very accessible and it has been encouraging a right and renewed heart toward what we do as servants in this ministry.

4-Transformed Into Fire: Discovery Your True Identity as God's Beloved, by Judih Hougen
This is the one I just ordered so I don't have a personal endorsement at this point. But, it was recommended to me by the person who hooked me up with the first book so I'm optimistic :}. Hopefully I'll have more to say about this one soon.

The Daniel Diet, Day 1

2010-03-12T03:53:00.000-08:00

After the way Wednesday night's dinner hit me (Potato = organic Tylenol PM) and the soporific effect of the grilled cheese + chili I had for lunch yesterday, I decided I should go ahead and make the switch to this diet rather than waiting to polish off the perishables in my pantry.

Here's the menu for today:

Breakfast -
Green Smoothie:
1/2 bag of frozen smoothie mix fruit (approx. 1 cup combined Strawberries, Mangoes, Pineapple)
1 Banana
1/4 Avacado (if I can afford it, I may bump this to a 1/2)
1 cup plain, fat-free Yogurt
3 handfuls Spinach

I've discovered that if I put the frozen fruit in a bag and put the bag in a bowl of hot water for 15 minutes or so, the fruit thaws completely and the smoothie blends up in about 5 minutes.

Lunch - Tuna Salad with 2 slices of Tomato on Sesame Ezekiel bread (found in the refrigerated organic section at Kroger) plus a handful of baby carrots.

Tuna Salad:
12 oz can all white Tuna
4 tbsp Dill Relish (not Sweet Relish)
4 tbsp Kraft Real Mayo (<2% sugar)
2 handfuls Walnuts, diced

I'm trying to avoid sugar as much as possible, but since I'm not actually diabetic at this point, I'm erring on the side of real ingredients.

Dinner -
I won't be home for dinner so I packed an extra Tuna sandwich. Otherwise I would fry up a pre-seasoned skillet steak and some veggies (using olive oil of course :}).
I'm heading to a party tonight and I may or may not try something there if I get hungry. I'm taking boneless buffalo wings, Blue Cheese Dressing and Ranch Dressing. I'm assuming that should be fairly safe.

Snacks (in no particular order :}) -
1: Cheese Stick and an Apple
2: Yoplait Blueberry Greek Yogurt and a handful of Almonds
3: Yoplait Blueberry Greek Yogurt and a bag of Kettle Popcorn

A quick plug for the Blueberry Greek Yogurt: It's lightly sweetened with real sugar (again, *yeah* for real ingredients), has 2x the protein of regular Yogurt, and has 0 fat. It's tangy rather than sweet. I picked the Blueberry since I figured maybe pureed blueberries still count as brain food.

Supplements:
I take an iron supplement daily. According to the doc I'm only anemic if I stop taking my supplement :}
Primarily because of the side-effects of the iron supplement, I take Triphala twice a day.

A few questions:

-Concerning popcorn: I had popcorn and yogurt the other day and didn't feel any ill effects. It's supposed to be safe gluten-wise but a co-worker pointed out that it's still a carb so it might not be safe from a diabetic perspective. Then last night, I was telling my dad (who's diabetic) about this diet and he said popcorn was a safe carb since it's high in fiber. So, for those of you who know better than I do, is popcorn OK for what I'm trying to do?

-Does anybody have a good Chicken Salad recipe they'd be willing to share? (Kristen Miller...?)

-Does anybody have an *easy* recipe for preparing salmon? (Kelsey Barnes...?)

-Am I compromising my experiment by eating foods that contain sugar (like the mayo and the yogurt) even though it's a pretty small amount of sugar?

-How long can you go between meals/snacks? My last snack yesterday was around 4 and I didn't get home till 8:30. By that time I was so exhausted I couldn't get myself to make dinner so I pretty quickly gave up and went to bed.

Daniel's Diet, or, The Sugar-Gluten wars of 2010

2010-03-10T10:05:00.000-08:00

I've been off sodas for a few weeks now and last Thursday, about 20 minutes after starting my bowl of raisin bran, I felt my thoughts getting fuzzy, I found it increasingly difficult to focus (my thoughts or my eyes) and I *really* wanted to take a nap. Diabetes runs in my family, I'm overweight and getting older (although I'm still pretty young), so I assumed, after a little googling, that I was dealing with pre-diabetes.

Since the treatment for pre-diabetes is change in diet, excercising 30 minutes a day, and losing 5-10% of your body weight, all things I already needed to do, I figured it wasn't worth spending the time and money to get a doctors confirmation. Especially since I went for a check-up last year and they found nothing.

I was telling a friend about this today and he suggested that perhaps I'm actually gluten-intolerant. He told me something like 40% of (I belive it was American) women suffer from gluten-intolerance.

So, I did a little more googling.

From what I've found the gluten-intolerant diet isn't too terribly different from the pre-diabetes diet. Here's one description I found on a page that discussed gluten intolerance and blood-sugar levels:

"Fresh, green and colorful, non-starchy vegetables provide more than enough of the carbs the body needs. Add to that light proteins and omega-3s, and your blood sugar rollercoaster should disappear."

This *totally* made me think of the diet Daniel requested in Daniel 1 - although I could still eat fish, yogurt, etc. on the diet above.

So, I'm going to give it a shot and see if it fixes my lingering "brain fog" issues. Daniel asked for 10 days to prove the worth of his diet, so I figure I should give mine at least that long. I may try adding in some gluten-y things after that to determine if the issue is really gluten-intolerance or pre-diabetes.

Um...and I'm going to have to start exercising. Boo. I mean, I love endorphins, but exercise is hard work...especially when you're out of shape :}

Recipes & other tips are *very* welcome.

Is that a light I see at the end of that tunnel?

2010-03-03T06:58:00.000-08:00

How am I feeling? Pretty excellent, thank you for asking. And you know what? I've been in that excellent mood pretty consistently since Friday night. Yep, that's right, Friday night.

Consider this my "Praise Ye the Lord" post.

Seriously.

I praise the Lord for the gift of this excellent mood. I can't remember when I last felt this good for this long.

(Note: I'm coming off an 11hr+ stint of programming. My thoughts are a tad...gelatinous...so please forgive me if I wander into incoherency)

Thanksgiving 2008 marked the beginning of a long, dark journey with that new flavor of depression I've been blogging about here. And I think I was dealing with a bit of depression even before then.

There are a few landmarks that stand out in my mind since that Thanksgiving:
- December 2008 is a blur
- January 2009 marked the onset of my anxiety issues
- I believe it was in March that I visited the doctor to see if there was a physical cause behind my fatigue, short-term memory & concentration issues, depression, and anxiety
- Around April I talked with Mike Cosper about what I was going through and he challenged the sorry state of my spiritual disciplines & got me the Depression book I've been raving about ever since
- In August, at work, I felt like I had suddenly awakened and wondered what had been going on for the last 6 months - I believe this was the result of my fatigue and concentration issues beginning to abate - I thanked God for this since I had started facilitating the Women's Systematic Theology class during the summer and was about to see what it looked like when I tried to do that while co-leading a CG; I also began to notice a cycle of anxiety issues
- Around the holidays (Thanksgiving - New Year) I had a set back into numbness; the fatigue returned but the anxiety issues temporarily abated
- Around January 2010 the numbness began to lift again and the anxiety returned but without the most dramatic episodes
- Since Mid-February I've started to feel more...capable...that's probably the best way to put it
- Sometime last Friday night, during the DPR CD release show, when I was mentally exhausted from a 47+hr week of programming, something shifted and I slipped into an *excellent* mood

I don't know what all God has used to bring this about, or how long it will last, but I will praise Him for this excellent mood as long as it's here. And I pray I grow in praising Him through the not-so-excellent moods as well.

Here are a few of my guesses as to what God's been using to bring about the shift I've seen just since February:
- I've had a couple good "clearing the air" conversations where I was able to talk out, with the relevant individuals, things I'd been suppressing for months. Even the thought that I could talk about those things was a change from before and I consider it a gift from God.
- The first of those "clearing the air" conversations came with an epiphany that shed significant, helpful light on my ongoing struggle with identity and contentment.
- I've been soda-free for almost 2 weeks now and have, therefore, broken the sugar-high cycle
- I've been enjoying my work more and more (which is itself a gift from God: Ecclesiastes 3:13)
- I've been feeling astonishingly free of fear (which also traces back to those "clearing the air" conversations and the aforementioned epiphany)

I thank God for these things.

Since I've shared my depression with you, O anonymous people of the internet, I wanted to share my joy with you as well. Please join me in saying "Thanks be to God!"

And let me also say "thank you" to those who have been journeying with me through this season. I'm so relieved by this good mood that I'm finding it easy to forget all the hard work & struggle that went on through the dark season (which, for all I know, will return tomorrow, but let us praise the Lord for the sun as long as it shines :}). I believe, by the grace of God, that I've grown in my ability to suffer well and a lot of that has been because of the help, encouragement, wise counsel, and accountability of the friends God has blessed me with. If this season had come a few years ago things would have looked much different.

Thank you God. Thank you for your faithfulness through this season. Thank you for growing me through it. Thank you for the *incredible* blessing of the community you have built up around me. Thank you for the moments of brightness along the way. Thank you for all the lessons I've learned (and am still learning). And thank you for this moment, for this excellent mood, however long it lasts.

Praise Ye the Lord.

New Years Resolutions Updates

2010-02-16T05:42:00.000-08:00

Congregational Song:
I'm hard at work on what I'm calling my January/February song :} I've got a tentative verse and chorus so hopefully I'll have something to share before too long.

Prayer:
I wasn't able to make the January Sojourn Prayer meeting because I worked nights & they canceled the February one on account of snow (although I would have had to miss it for working nights again). *But* this week we're having our Ash Wednesday service. It's not the same thing, but it's also super early in the morning...so that counts right?

Jazz singing:
I'm starting to think I may have to let this one go for right now. I seem to have too much going on.

Discipline:
I'll be honest, I've not made much headway with most of my goals in this area, but I have been better about getting in a little extra time at work - not brilliant mind you, but better.

As far as what I'm learning?
I'm a desperate sinner in need of grace :} Praise God that His love for me isn't based on how well I meet these goals and that, because of Christ, I can confess and repent of my sins (like laziness or favoritism) and know that I am forgiven (I John 1:9) and don't have to continue in my sin (Romans 6:6).

Also, not attaining some goal isn't necessarily a sin :} I'm learning about striving to please God and not others (Galatians 1:10, Colossians 3:23). There may be some sin(s) getting in the way of me attaining a goal, but sometimes I find that I'm repenting not because I've sinned, but because of what I think others will think of me - I'm mourning the consequences, not the sin; I'm more grieved over human's opinions than God's. Or I find myself repenting of things that aren't the actual sin - I'm repenting of not being more persistent about some goal, not of the laziness or idolatry behind that lack of persistence. Again, I'm mourning the outward things because I'm more concerned about what others think than what God thinks.

How are you doing with your goals? What are you learning as you pursue them?

Lest we forget

2010-02-12T14:53:00.001-08:00

I needed to remember & reflect on this today, so I thought I'd share it with y'all:

Romans 8
Life Through the Spirit
1Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, 2because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit of life set me free from the law of sin and death. 3For what the law was powerless to do in that it was weakened by the sinful nature, God did by sending his own Son in the likeness of sinful man to be a sin offering. And so he condemned sin in sinful man, 4in order that the righteous requirements of the law might be fully met in us, who do not live according to the sinful nature but according to the Spirit.
5Those who live according to the sinful nature have their minds set on what that nature desires; but those who live in accordance with the Spirit have their minds set on what the Spirit desires. 6The mind of sinful man is death, but the mind controlled by the Spirit is life and peace; 7the sinful mind is hostile to God. It does not submit to God's law, nor can it do so. 8Those controlled by the sinful nature cannot please God.

9You, however, are controlled not by the sinful nature but by the Spirit, if the Spirit of God lives in you. And if anyone does not have the Spirit of Christ, he does not belong to Christ. 10But if Christ is in you, your body is dead because of sin, yet your spirit is alive because of righteousness. 11And if the Spirit of him who raised Jesus from the dead is living in you, he who raised Christ from the dead will also give life to your mortal bodies through his Spirit, who lives in you.

12Therefore, brothers, we have an obligation—but it is not to the sinful nature, to live according to it. 13For if you live according to the sinful nature, you will die; but if by the Spirit you put to death the misdeeds of the body, you will live, 14because those who are led by the Spirit of God are sons of God. 15For you did not receive a spirit that makes you a slave again to fear, but you received the Spirit of sonship. And by him we cry, "Abba, Father." 16The Spirit himself testifies with our spirit that we are God's children. 17Now if we are children, then we are heirs—heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ, if indeed we share in his sufferings in order that we may also share in his glory.

Future Glory
18I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us. 19The creation waits in eager expectation for the sons of God to be revealed. 20For the creation was subjected to frustration, not by its own choice, but by the will of the one who subjected it, in hope 21that the creation itself will be liberated from its bondage to decay and brought into the glorious freedom of the children of God.
22We know that the whole creation has been groaning as in the pains of childbirth right up to the present time. 23Not only so, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for our adoption as sons, the redemption of our bodies. 24For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what he already has? 25But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently.

26In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express. 27And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints in accordance with God's will.

More Than Conquerors
28And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. 29For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the likeness of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers. 30And those he predestined, he also called; those he called, he also justified; those he justified, he also glorified.
31What, then, shall we say in response to this? If God is for us, who can be against us? 32He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things? 33Who will bring any charge against those whom God has chosen? It is God who justifies. 34Who is he that condemns? Christ Jesus, who died—more than that, who was raised to life—is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us. 35Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? 36As it is written:
"For your sake we face death all day long;
we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered." 37No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. 38For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, 39neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Things to buy after attending the Calvin Conference

2010-02-02T03:00:00.000-08:00

Below is the list of songs and books I plan to purchase. All of the songs were played or mentioned by Jeremy Begbie and Resounding Truth is his book. (I'm thinking about starting a Jeremy Begbie section in my home library :}) The Psalter was used in the "Re-presenting the Psalms" session I attended.

Books:
Resounding Truth - Jeremy Begbie
Psalter Hymnal - Christian Reformed Church

Songs:
Anthropology - Charlie Parker & Dizzy Gillespie*
Davidsbündlertänze - Robert Schumann**
Piano Sonata No. 7 - Sergei Prokofiev
Resurrection Symphony - Gustav Mahler, conducted by Leonard Bernstein

*I can't seem to find this on iTunes. Does anyone know where I can find it?
**My notes are a bit cryptic (I scrawled what looks like "Schumann Das Abends") so I'm not positive this is the piece Begbie mentioned. This is phonetically the closest I could come. I jotted this down with my notes from Session 1 on the page with points 4 and 5 of his talk: Diverse Synchronization and Cross-Rhythms. If you know which piece he actually mentioned, please let me know.

Inspiration from the Calvin Conference

2010-01-31T20:40:00.000-08:00

I attended the Calvin Institute's 2010 Worship Symposium this past weekend with a number of fellow Sojourners. I'm still processing everything. I found Jeremy Begbie's talks particularly inspiring. I'll post a song & book list in a day or two of things I hope to buy as a result of this conference.

Since I was feeling inspired and convicted to make time for writing, I spent some time today on writing-related activities. I still don't have a January congregational folk song (though I do have a couple theme and lyric ideas), but I learned a hymn from the Heavenly Highway Hymnal (a resource Mike Cosper recommended for studying folk melodies) and I found a William Blake poem to use for a new Dolls piece. In fact, I threw down an initial melody for said piece this evening.

Since I've enjoyed these two texts today, I thought I'd share them with you.

Hide Thou Me
by Thoro Harris
I don't know if Johnny Cash ever recorded this song, but the melody makes me think of him. If you aren't familiar with the tune that accompanies this text it's worth tracking down. I've only posted the first verse here.

Verse 1:
Sometimes I feel discouraged, and think my life in vain
I'm tempted then to murmur, and of my lot complain;
But when I think of Jesus, and all He's done for me,
Then, I cry, O Rock of Ages, Hide Thou me.

Chorus:
O Rock of Ages, Hide Thou me,
No other Refuge, have I but Thee,
When life's dark vale I wander [and feel], Far, far from thee;
Then I cry, O Rock of Ages, Hide Thou me.

MAD SONG
by: William Blake (1757-1827)
This is the poem I'm turning into a jazzy piece for the Dolls:

The wild winds weep,
And the night is a-cold;
Come hither, Sleep,
And my griefs enfold! . . .
But lo! the morning peeps
Over the eastern steeps,
And the rustling beds of dawn
The earth do scorn.

Lo! to the vault
Of pavèd heaven,
With sorrow fraught,
My notes are driven:
They strike the ear of Night,
Make weak the eyes of Day;
They make mad the roaring winds,
And with the tempests play,

Like a fiend in a cloud,
With howling woe
After night I do crowd
And with night will go;
I turn my back to the east
From whence comforts have increased;
For light doth seize my brain
With frantic pain.

The Debriefing, a playlist

2010-01-29T13:33:00.000-08:00

I'm up at the Calvin Institute's Worship Symposium in Michigan (brr!) this weekend. Jeremie Begbie knocked it out of the park at this mornings plenary session - which you probably guessed if you saw @MikeCosper, @JamieBarnes, or @BobbyGilles' tweets.

The playlist below has been my aid to recovering from emotional overload so I can keep on soaking in the information and the experience. iTunes Genius created it for me and it's based around Etienne De Rocher's song "Juniper Rose". Playlists are always fun so I thought I'd share this one.

1 Juniper Rose - Etienne De Rocher
2 If I Could Read Your Mind - Clinic
3 B - Pinback
4 John Saw That Number - Neko Case
5 Phantom Punch - Sondre Leche
6 Wrap Your Love Around Me - The Village Green
7 Twin Killers - Deerhoof
8 Half Acre - Hem
9 Lawnmower Boy - Nous Non Plus
10 When U Love Somebody - Fruit Bats
11 While We Go Dancing - White Rabbits
12 You Made Me Like It - 1990s
13 Harvest (Within You) - Clinic
14 Maybe Sparrow - Neko Case
15 Sun It Rises - Fleet Foxes
16 Free Stress Test - Professor Murder
17 RetreatThe Rakes
18 De Cara a La Pared - Lhasa de Sela
19 I Should've Known Better - Nickel Creek
20 Kid On My Shoulders - White Rabbits
21 Barely Listening - Pilot Speed
22 Carry Me Ohio (Alternative Version) - Sun Kil Moon

And the winner is...

2010-01-26T15:39:00.001-08:00

The winners of the Happy 50th drawing are:

1) Depression: A Stubborn Darkness by Edward Welch

Winner: Dawn Michelle

2) Sandpaper Dolls Live @ 21c CD

Winner: Courtney Wright

Congratulations ladies!

Hello, Anxiety

2010-01-25T06:23:00.000-08:00

In the last year or so I've begun struggling with anxiety. I'm not talking about worry (I've always dealt with that to some extent, we all do), I'm talking about anxiety - mind racing, fixating on things with an intensity that you know is *well* more than what's merited, maybe a bit of trouble breathing, definately trouble sleeping, etc. I don't know that I've had any full-on panic attacks, but I've had a few panicky sob-fests that freaked me out pretty thoroughly :}

Yesterday I woke up with my alarm and couldn't get back to sleep. (Normally I'm one of those "hit snooze and I'm back to sleep before my head hits the pillow" kind of gals.) And apparently the thing keeping me awake was what I would pack to wear for the conference I'm attending later this week.

Really??

Yep. I praise God for extending His mercy and giving me some outfit ideas - and I promise you I know how silly it sounds that I was this stressed about "outfits".

But after that I was still feeling anxious. My mind just wouldn't stop picking at me. I eventually went into the room across the hall (where I've set up a little "den" for myself...it's quite cozy). I think I wound up praying. Eventually I realized my anxiety had lifted and left exhaustion in its place.

Then last night as I was trying to go to sleep I realized my anxiety had returned. I don't think it was as stressful as what I'd experienced in the morning, but I still couldn't get to sleep. The "outfit" thing was still bothering me a little as were a few other things - all pretty small or unlikely things.

Around 1 (an hour after I went to bed) I got back up and returned to my "den". I pulled out my guitar and a couple worship tunes and sang through those. Then I emailed a friend to tell her what was going on and ask for prayer. I doubt she got the email then but I wanted her to know what was going on and, given that anxiety and I are becoming good friends, assumed I'd still need those prayers by the time she did see my email.

After that I decided to journal what I was worrying about - maybe I just needed to see things on paper so I could look for truths that countered the lies that had me feeling so anxious.

I was still feeling stressed and it was about 2 at this point so I decided to go ahead and get a shower. I'd been putting that off for the morning but I decided that, with as little sleep as it looked like I'd be getting, I wasn't likely to have time in the morning. Plus I thought the hot water might be soothing.

Nope, still anxious and awake :}

I was back to sitting in my den again, preparing for one last go at putting myself to sleep (and if that failed to give up and try to get some work done) when God, in His mercy, provided the truths I needed to remember in that moment:

God has promised to never leave me (Hebrews 13:5, Deuteronomy 31:6)
He has promised to always love me (Romans 8:31-39)
He is a God who keeps His promises (Hebrews 10:23)

Those truths cut through the anxious thoughts and, reciting those 3 things to myself, I went back to bed and finally got to sleep.

Those truths aren't some kind of magic formula for fighting anxiety, but they were what God used last night to silence mine.

If you struggle with anxiety, can I encourage you to keep fighting the fight, to keep praying, asking for prayer, worshipping God (who is always worthy of worship), hiding His word in your heart, etc.? For our battle is not against flesh and blood ( Ephesians 6:10-18).

Lord God, please grant us the grace & strength, in you, to keep on fighting and encouraging one another in the fight.

Haiti

2010-01-22T07:18:00.000-08:00

I received this email from some friends of mine who work for a ministry that is currently organizing relief efforts for those affected by the recent earthquakes in Haiti.

One of their big needs at the moment is a cargo plane capable of hauling 15,000 pounds or more. If you have one, or know someone who might, please contact Jeff at Jeff.Rogers@go-ministries.org.

One easy way to help is by attending the BreachBent benefit show/silent auction tomorrow night at the 930. I'll be supporting Jamie Barnes. It's going to be a great show and it's a *really* easy way to lend support to these relief efforts.

You'll find other ways to help listed below. Here is a concise list of their needs as of January 20th.

Email from the Rogers:

First of all, this is lengthy and worth your time so please abide!

Secondly, forgive us, due to time and our urgent work w/G.O. Ministries in responding to the current crisis in Haiti you may have received this email more than once. In an effort to get the word out quickly we compiled data as fast as we could to get the word out.

I, Jeff, was in the Dominican Republic last week when the quake hit. While leading an Exploratory trip we were visiting w/friends from one of the churches we work w/in the impoverished community of Halto del Yaqui drinking coffee when we felt the quake. We joked about it b/c it was nothing major as far as we knew. Our return to Santiago and reports from Haiti shocked and grieved us. G.O. has been responding like mad since the quake. God has opened doors for us to respond in areas that previously had no aid coming to them. We’re staging relief from an airport in Santiago where we have a hanger at our disposal. Through a near overnight partnership w/volunteer pilots and small planes we are landing relief aid on stretches of road and modest airstrips. While larger efforts have been bottle-necked due to traffic, we have been able to supply aid by air, land and sea (I mean, It’s ridiculous how God has equipped us through the strangest of partnerships). Meanwhile, I have returned to the states as of last Friday and Vicki and I are coordinating relief efforts from Louisville where our international headquarters is located. We have been too busy to stop to update our ministry blog. God has provided media attention here stateside and we are in the search for cargo planes and pilots who are willing to move relief aid from our warehouse in Louisville, KY where we are gathering relief aid to Santiago, DR where it can then be delivered to help meet the need in Haiti. If you have a connection to a cargo plane capable of hauling 15,000 pounds or more, please contact me. This is an urgent need!! If you know someone w/an old air show WWII bomber we can repurpose that sucker to get supplies down to Santiago!! We’re praying about a possibly c-130 connection right now! Join us in that.

In the meantime…

Vicki and I wanted to invite you to the Breachbent Benefit show this Saturday the 23rd at the 930 Listening Room if you are close to Louisville. Proceeds from the show go to help fund our work with G.O. Ministries as well as the G.O. Help Haiti relief fund G.O. has established in response to the terrible crisis in Haiti.

We will also be hosting a silent auction during this event.

Please consider coming out in a show of support for us, for G.O. and for our friends in Haiti.

Visit www.go-ministries.org to see how we are currently responding to the Haitian crisis

P.S. Here’s the latest specific updates as to what’s going on in terms of relief w/G.O.:

I am privileged to tell you the following:

On Tuesday, 12 Jan 2010, a 7.0 earthquake rocked Haiti. G.O. Ministries happened to have a team in Santiago at the time. Here is a video clip of what it felt like: Moment of Earthquake You see people laughing because it was an unusual occurrence. As news reports came in, we began to realize how serious the situation was and began to prepare to help. God can do immeasurably more than we can imagine, and we never imagined this past week! But God is good and gave us the opportunity to aid in relief of this tragedy. Several of our staff members were featured on their local news. Michael Jeff and Wilby

On Wednesday, we began to understand the extent of the devastation. People immediately began to call and offer their help. Brook Brotzman, president of G.O. Ministries in the US, was already scheduled to travel to the DR that day. After he was on the ground in Santiago, we began to analyze how we could help. We were contacted by several short-term mission teams that were stranded in various locations in Haiti. A group from Eastview Christian Church had been in Pilatre, trying to get home to Normal, IL. Their flight, which would have placed them in Port-au-Prince at the time of the quake, had been cancelled. They were able to get a bus to the border between the Dominican and Haiti, where Tim Krauss, one of our full-time staff members in Santiago, was able to meet them. We then gave them overnight accommodations and got them on a flight Thursday morning. Another group was stranded at a orphanage in Jacmel, southwest of Port-au-Prince, but closer to the epicenter of the quake. To get to them, we found a boat from the Dominican town of Pedernales to the coastal town of Jacmel. The boat was very small but we crammed in as many supplies as would fit and sent Tim to go retreive them. Due to engine problems on the boat, the team returned across the border the next day by land. We were also taking supplies in via the border town of Jimani when possible. In total, we helped 5 different mission teams evacuate from Haiti. Here in the office, we set up ways for people to help by donating and with their prayers. Here is a video with Tim and John preparing to depart: www.vimeo.com/8754211

We obtained warehouse space in the hanger at the Santiago airport in order to store supplies. We used five five small planes to fly supplies in and out of Jacmel and Leogane daily to drop relief supplies. We continued with boat trips as well. We were able to recruit several pilots in order to keep flights going into Jacmel non-stop. You should check out the view of the airport on Google Earth. It is just a runway with a place to turn around. Landing Strip

On Friday, Romano and Wilby, G.O. partnering Haitian pastors, headed out to Port-au-Prince separately. Here is a video that Jeff made of Romano prior to his departure: http://www.vimeo.com/8754093 They left to search for family they had not been able to reach. Wilby found his family members alive but Romano learned that his brother is dead. He leaves behind 9 children. We continue to pray for the orphans created the day of the quake.

Over the weekend, the opportunities to help did not stop. Our staff in Santiago helped assist a UN peacekeeper and his team of volunteers who stayed in our dorm. They were stranded on their way to Port-au-Prince. They assisted us in setting up our relief efforts. We were able to use our warehouse and the hangar space we obtained at the Santiago airport to collect supplies. We have some pictures of our staff buying supplies and the planes. http://www.flickr.com/photos/gohelphaiti We also helped a reporter from the Wall Street Journal with lodging and helped him into Jacmel to report on the conditions there.

On Monday, we began to realize that supplies on the island of Hispaniola were running out. We now need to collect the needed supplies here in the US for transportation to Haiti via the DR. A friend, who is the director of a Haitian orphanage, asked how would she distribute the baby formula she had available? It could mean the difference between life and death. My heart breaks that anyone would find themselves in that position. We are working to get needed supplies as quickly as we can to alleviate the desperate need on the ground in Haiti. We were also able to help get needed pain medicines into Haiti. Pfizer had made a donation to go via a non-governmental agency. We worked with the UN to coordinate the transport of these medicines into Haiti. What a great God we serve!

Tuesday, we began to organize collection of supplies. We have obtained warehouse space in Louisville at 7325 New LaGrange Road. We are contacting the churches in this area to begin collection of needed supplies. Please review the list attached to this email. We can only accept the supplies listed as the need for those items is the greatest. We will ask for additional items in the weeks to come, so please limit donations to what is listed. We are arranging cargo plane transport to take these items to Santiago for distribution into Haiti. It takes 100,000 lbs. to fill the plane. We are again asking God to provide in a big way through His people.

Medical supplies are an immediate and overwhelming need. There are doctors on the ground who cannot treat those sick and injured because they have no supplies. If you are able to secure a donation of medical items, especially orthopedic supplies such as casting materials, contact us right away. We would also be able to purchase these items if a large donation were made.

Your donation has made an immediate difference to the people of Haiti. Please continue to keep the people of Haiti and GO Ministries as we assist in the relief effort in your prayers. We have spent every donation as quickly as they have come in. As of yesterday, we had received over $150,000 in donations. We are spending the money as quickly as it comes in. Please consider giving again or passing this information on to other people who may be interested in what we are doing here.

Many thanks for everyone's support.

Grace and Peace,
The Rogers

Happy 50th Post, little blog

2010-01-20T03:00:00.000-08:00

To celebrate the 50th post on the blog I thought I'd have a little give away, something to draw out all you lurkers :} The goodies are based on the things I typically blog about (which seemed logical).

1) Depression: A Stubborn Darkness by Edward Welch
2) Sandpaper Dolls Live @ 21c CD

In order to "enter to win" one of these goodies simply comment on this post with which goody you would prefer and how I should contact you if you win. This latter point is expecially important if I will need to get your address to mail you said goody.

If I get lots of responses I'll give away one of each thing, otherwise I'll just pick one commenter at random and they will get the goody they chose.

I'll select the winner next Wednesday morning.

Okay...go!

Building the book

2010-01-19T06:40:00.000-08:00

As I understand it, in order to do this jazz vocalist thing, I need to build a book. I'm still trying to figure out just what that entails, but I'm pretty sure I need to start with a list of songs I want to learn (a little swing, a little bossa, and a few ballads) and figure out what keys I want to sing them in. So, here are the songs I'm starting with:

Black Is The Color
Blues In The Night
Caravan
Corcovado
A Foggy Day
Girl From Ipanema
Here's That Rainy Day
How Insensitive
I Let A Song Go Out Of My Heart
I Want To Be Happy
I'll Get By
I'm A Fool To Want You
It Don't Mean A Thing
It's A Blue World
It's Been A Long, Long Time
La Vie En Rose
Lilac Wine
Love Me Or Leave Me
Lover Come Back To Me
Meditation
Moonlight In Vermont
My Funny Valentine
Satin Doll
Sing Me A Swing Song
So Nice
Summertime
T'ain't What You Do
Take The "A" Train
That Old Black Magic
Wave
What A Difference A Day Makes
What A Little Moonlight Can Do
Whatever Lola Wants
Why Don't You Do Right
Yes My Darling Daughter

I have no idea if that's too many of too few songs, but I suppose I'll figure that out ;}.

Hope, Hoplessness, and Pain

2010-01-18T06:00:00.000-08:00

I'm finally, *slowly* finishing Depression: A Stubborn Darkness. Welch's point about hopelessness and pain and where our hope should rest really struck me:

Some hopeless people who anticipate only death cite Scripture that says "I desire to depart and be with Christ" (Philippians 1:23). But Christ is not what hopelessness people really want. The God-talk is misleading. The goal of hopelessness is to end the suffering, and if God happens to be here when it happens, fine. But God's presence is not essential....

What is your story? Your goal is to accept Scripture's telling of it and make it your own, but too often we add personal edits and devise alternate endings....We leave the Father's house and embark on our own journeys, and we foolishly hope in this life rather than in Jesus. We make our story about pain, and we climax it with the release of pain rather than with Jesus....

Most people believe that eternity will be better than the present. This, of course, is true for those whose hope for Jesus' return. When we see Jesus, "there will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain" (Revelations 21:4). But there is something that is arguably even better. Therefore, if you are going to look forward to the gifts God gives us when we see him face to face, hope for this: when we see Jesus, we will no longer be people who sin (I John 3:3)....

Given a choice, a sinless eternity with the loving God is much preferred over a pain-free one where sin still bedevils.

New Years Resolutions, Part V - Discipline

2010-01-16T06:30:00.000-08:00

This is the big one. I have a long-standing struggle with laziness standing in my way. We're been working our way through Proverbs at Sojourn this January and I think Daniel could have made his notes for the Ants and Sluggards sermon by following me around.

Since I need heart change most of all, I'm trying to keep in mind that just checking off a couple tasks on a checklist would miss the point entirely. I plan to blog about the lessons I'm learning along the way to reinforce this notion.

Here are the main areas I've identified that I want to practice discipline this year:
Finances - I want to stick to my budget so that I spend less than I make, save for purchases, and practice taking the things I think I need and can't afford to God in prayer.
Diet and Exercise - I want to get back to a healthy weight and level of fitness. This is related to finances since vending machine and cafeteria food aren't exactly in the budget :}
Work - I want to get into work between 8 and 8:30, spend my lunch hour on my various non-fiction readings, and work an hour or two more than I "have" to every week.
Systematic Theology study - I want to consistently have my notes finished 2 weeks or more in advance. This affects the preceding goals since procrastination = sleep deprivation = trouble getting up on time in the morning = no time to pack lunch/leaving late for work = violating the diet and the budget.

New Years Resolutions, Part IV - Becoming a Jazz Vocalist

2010-01-15T12:30:00.000-08:00

I've been dancing around this idea for a while now - booking gigs and singing out as a jazz vocalist. I've pumped my friends for information, bought fake books, and attempted to put my own "book" together, but I'm still intimidated by the idea of leading a jazz band. I don't play any instrument well enough to mention it and I have a tendency to block out everything but the melody when I listen to music. Not preferred qualities in a band-leader :}

*But*, I have taken my first next step in the process.

I have a couple friends who sing out as jazz vocalists from time to time and they gave me the name of the person who helped them learn the ropes when they were getting started. I contacted him and told him I was looking for someone to help me put some arrangements together.

I'm hoping that he or someone he knows will be able to help me bridge the gap between what I know now and what I need to know to avoid making a fool of myself when I start booking gigs and putting bands together :}

I'll keep y'all posted as things progress.

New Years Resolutions, Part III - Prayer

2010-01-14T12:30:00.000-08:00

The fall sessions of the Sojourn Women's Systematic Theology class really convicted me about the state of my prayer life. After reading about the role prayer plays in God's plan - how it has real results just like me pushing against a box has real results - and then reading the chapter dedicated to prayer, I came to the conclusion that I want to grow as a pray-er this year.

So far the only concrete goal I've come up with toward that end is deciding to attend the monthly Sojourn prayer meetings.

Sojourn has prayer meetings from 6:30-7:30 AM on the second Tuesday of every month. I missed this month's since I worked 3rd shift Monday night (after working my normal shift during the day Monday).

Since I'm telling you about this, oh anonymous people of the internet, I'll blog about it each month to let you know whether or not I made it and share a little blurb about the meeting.

New Years Resolutions, Part II - Congregational Songwriting

2010-01-13T14:42:00.001-08:00

Since I can't seem to get myself to sit down and write a blog listing my resolutions I'm giving in and blogging about just one of them. Hopefully I'll do similar blogs for the others.

Resolution 1, Concerning Congregational Songwriting:

I've been challenged to write in the third-person and use folk melodies.

I think every congregational song I've ever written or adapted has been in the first(I)/second(you) person and most of them have been laments.

I've also been using bluesy, gospely melodies the last couple years and those aren't the most singable or the most adaptable - as opposed to folk melodies which tend to be singable and can be arranged to suit a variety of styles.

So, I'd like to try and write 1 third-person, folk-melodied congregational song a month.

Starting last summer I had hoped to be writing songs related to the topics we study in the Sojourn Women's Systematic Theology class but that hasn't happened. This past fall we studied the attributes of God and I think camping out there for further study will provide me with ample material for 3rd person songs.

I'll post the text of the songs here when I "finish" them, making you anonymous people of the internet my accountability for sticking to this goal. If I can manage to make recordings that aren't utterly embarrassing I'll try and find a way to post those too.

Some resources explaining writing in the third person:
Good explanation of first, second and third person writing
Literary examples of first and third person writing
The full-on wikipedia treatment
(Since I needed a refresher myself I thought I'd share what I found.)

New Years Resolutions, Part I

2009-12-28T19:33:00.001-08:00

For a number of years I boycotted New Years Resolutions. For one thing, I tend to go a bit crazy when I make lists and instead of making 2 or 3 resolutions I'm likely to make 20 or 30. For another, I was one of those many people who found themselves far more likely to keep randomly timed, mid-year resolutions than New Years resolutions. But now I'm part of a church whose leaders are visionaries and goal setters and their example has caused me to reconsider my resolve against said resolutions.

The reason I now see for making resolutions is this:
We should have a vision for our lives - a vision for who we are becoming. (Personally, as a follower of Christ, my over-arching vision is that I become more and more like Christ.) We should also expect to see change and growth in ourselves from year to year. The New year is an excellent opportunity to reflect on what God has done in our lives over the past year - to see how He has grown us, to reflect on our struggles and His blessings - and to consider what we might strive for in the coming year, what the next steps are on the road to who we are becoming.

It makes sense to be deliberate about this, to plan for it. After all, if your friend said, "I want to build a house" and didn't examine their finances, make a budget, apply for loans, research floor plans, look at real estate listings for plots of land, etc., wouldn't you assume that their vision was just talk? Or at least assume that if they moved forward without careful calculation that something, somewhere along the way, would go horribly wrong?

It's easy to cast empty visions for ourselves, to say "I want to accomplish this or that" and then do nothing, or do only a haphazard something. Instead, doesn't it make more sense to sit down and carefully (and prayerfully) consider what steps are required to accomplish this or that?

Now, a caveat, I don't subscribe to the 'if you believe it, you can do it philosophy'. Rather, I believe that, "Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the LORD's purpose that prevails" (Proverbs 19:21) and that "I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out" (Romans 7:18). Our God is a planning God so I believe that we should plan, but remembering the teaching of James 4:13-16. And, as a Christian, I believe that God is working in me to make me more and more like Christ and I can plan ways to participate in that according to the teaching of Philippians 2:12-13.

So, after all that excessive mastication on the topic of resolution-making, I'll leave you with these resolution-assisting links shared by some of the Sojourn elders:

http://biblicalspirituality.org/newyear.html
http://thegospelcoalition.org/blogs/justintaylor/2009/12/27/resolutions-and-regret/
http://sojournchurch.com/resource/personal-renewal-plan/

The Chistmas Story

2009-12-24T11:53:00.000-08:00

I don't know what your Christmas traditions are, but in the spirit of reflecting on just what all the fuss is about I thought I'd post this:

Luke 2:1-20

The Birth of Jesus
1In those days Caesar Augustus issued a decree that a census should be taken of the entire Roman world. 2(This was the first census that took place while Quirinius was governor of Syria.) 3And everyone went to his own town to register.
4So Joseph also went up from the town of Nazareth in Galilee to Judea, to Bethlehem the town of David, because he belonged to the house and line of David. 5He went there to register with Mary, who was pledged to be married to him and was expecting a child. 6While they were there, the time came for the baby to be born, 7and she gave birth to her firstborn, a son. She wrapped him in cloths and placed him in a manger, because there was no room for them in the inn.

The Shepherds and the Angels
8And there were shepherds living out in the fields nearby, keeping watch over their flocks at night. 9An angel of the Lord appeared to them, and the glory of the Lord shone around them, and they were terrified. 10But the angel said to them, "Do not be afraid. I bring you good news of great joy that will be for all the people. 11Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you; he is Christ the Lord. 12This will be a sign to you: You will find a baby wrapped in cloths and lying in a manger."
13Suddenly a great company of the heavenly host appeared with the angel, praising God and saying,
14"Glory to God in the highest,
and on earth peace to men on whom his favor rests."

15When the angels had left them and gone into heaven, the shepherds said to one another, "Let's go to Bethlehem and see this thing that has happened, which the Lord has told us about."

16So they hurried off and found Mary and Joseph, and the baby, who was lying in the manger. 17When they had seen him, they spread the word concerning what had been told them about this child, 18and all who heard it were amazed at what the shepherds said to them. 19But Mary treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart. 20The shepherds returned, glorifying and praising God for all the things they had heard and seen, which were just as they had been told.

Merry Christmas!

Psalm 27

2009-12-21T09:22:00.000-08:00

As a person who wrestles a lot with fear, this Psalm is another favorite of mine.

Psalm 27
Of David.
1 The LORD is my light and my salvation—
whom shall I fear?
The LORD is the stronghold of my life—
of whom shall I be afraid?
2 When evil men advance against me
to devour my flesh,
when my enemies and my foes attack me,
they will stumble and fall.

3 Though an army besiege me,
my heart will not fear;
though war break out against me,
even then will I be confident.

4 One thing I ask of the LORD,
this is what I seek:
that I may dwell in the house of the LORD
all the days of my life,
to gaze upon the beauty of the LORD
and to seek him in his temple.

5 For in the day of trouble
he will keep me safe in his dwelling;
he will hide me in the shelter of his tabernacle
and set me high upon a rock.

6 Then my head will be exalted
above the enemies who surround me;
at his tabernacle will I sacrifice with shouts of joy;
I will sing and make music to the LORD.

7 Hear my voice when I call, O LORD;
be merciful to me and answer me.

8 My heart says of you, "Seek his face!"
Your face, LORD, I will seek.

9 Do not hide your face from me,
do not turn your servant away in anger;
you have been my helper.
Do not reject me or forsake me,
O God my Savior.

10 Though my father and mother forsake me,
the LORD will receive me.

11 Teach me your way, O LORD;
lead me in a straight path
because of my oppressors.

12 Do not turn me over to the desire of my foes,
for false witnesses rise up against me,
breathing out violence.

13 I am still confident of this:
I will see the goodness of the LORD
in the land of the living.

14 Wait for the LORD;
be strong and take heart
and wait for the LORD.

Psalm 62

2009-12-19T19:54:00.000-08:00

This has been a favorite Psalm of mine for a number of years. I love that it comes right out and commands us to pour out our hearts to God. And I love that it gives me language to exhort my heart, to remind it where my trust and hope belongs - in God and in Him alone.

Psalm 62

For the director of music. For Jeduthun. A psalm of David.

1 My soul finds rest in God alone;
my salvation comes from him.
2 He alone is my rock and my salvation;
he is my fortress, I will never be shaken.

3 How long will you assault a man?
Would all of you throw him down—
this leaning wall, this tottering fence?

4 They fully intend to topple him
from his lofty place;
they take delight in lies.
With their mouths they bless,
but in their hearts they curse.
Selah

5 Find rest, O my soul, in God alone;
my hope comes from him.

6 He alone is my rock and my salvation;
he is my fortress, I will not be shaken.

7 My salvation and my honor depend on God;
he is my mighty rock, my refuge.

8 Trust in him at all times, O people;
pour out your hearts to him,
for God is our refuge.
Selah

9 Lowborn men are but a breath,
the highborn are but a lie;
if weighed on a balance, they are nothing;
together they are only a breath.

10 Do not trust in extortion
or take pride in stolen goods;
though your riches increase,
do not set your heart on them.

11 One thing God has spoken,
two things have I heard:
that you, O God, are strong,

12 and that you, O Lord, are loving.
Surely you will reward each person
according to what he has done.

Get your Sandpaper Dolls fix for the Holidays

2009-12-18T09:24:00.000-08:00

We've had the opportunity to contribute to several compilations this year and three of them were just recently released:

Ear X-Tacy Comp (free download here):
LEO Review

sonaBlast compilation benefiting Home of the Innocents (available at Ear X-Tacy & Momma's Hip):
Album Info/Online Ordering from sonaBlast

ECBall "Face a Frowning World" (available all stinkin' over the place):
Courier Journal Review
LEO Review

Playing Dress-Up

2009-11-06T09:01:00.000-08:00

I was looking for something fun to do this Saturday night and a friend of mine has invited me to a 1930's themed party. I've been having a blast planning my costume and make-up. Thankfully I already own a black dress that, combined with my ankle-strap red heels, should be perfect. I've been googling 30s makeup tips and hairstyles and I'm thinking about buying my first set of false eyelashes tomorrow.

It reminds me of being a kid and playing dress-up. My mom and her siblings hung out at my grandparent's a lot when I was little, which meant I got to spend lots of time playing with my cousins. I had 2 other girl cousins close to my age and we would go up to my grandmothers attic and play for hours - trying on "costume" after costume.

I played dress-up in highschool too. I raided closets (and the aforementioned attic) and customized (read: bleach tie-dyed) hand-me-downs to create much of my highschool wardrobe. I felt like I could be a different character everyday.

I miss that. I miss the freedom of being able to dress-up or assume a character and not worry about whether or not I could pull it off (I have a tendancy to avoid or half-do things when I give into fear). So, I'm excited for the chance to put off fear and put real enthusiasm into getting ready for this party. Hopefully we'll have some fun pictures to share :}

Hooray for dress-up!

Tonight

2009-11-05T15:31:00.001-08:00

I'm looking forward to going home, making dinner (fish, rice, & a baked potato), working on my theology notes, practicing my Etude & Mephis Minnie tune on the guitar ("I'm Talkin' Bout You"), and possibly buying my first SM58 with this year's "Music Savings" (the money I actually *made* on music this year). I plan on taking a Facebook poll when I get home to get suggestions of where to get a good deal on said SM58. Feel free to post here as well if you have suggestions. I'm currently considering this bundle:
SM58, cord, and stand at Musician's Friend

The Great Green Smoothie

2009-11-04T05:00:00.000-08:00

My friend Laura Roberts, swears by the Green Smoothie. They are a yummy, easy way to get in all your green leafy vegetable servings. I've made it part of my weekday breakfast along with a Cranberry Walnut Pumpkin Muffin.

Here are a couple Green Smoothie recipes:

From Laura:
1/2 an avocado
three great big handfuls of baby spinach
a big handful sliced frozen strawberries
3 or 4 big handfuls frozen mixed fruit (pineapple, peaches, mango)

My own concoction:
1 c plain, fat-free yogurt
1/4 avacado
1 banana
3 big handfuls baby spinach
1 cup frozen pineapple (or some other fruit)

I have some mangos and pomegranites on hand right now that will probably find their way into a smoothie.

Just toss everything in a blender, blend, and enjoy!

Hello, Diet

2009-11-03T07:29:00.001-08:00

Today is the first day of my long-term weight loss plan (long-term in the sense that I expect it to take about a year to reach my goal). I just finished my green smoothie and toast and thought I'd share my plan & progress with y'all - the anonymous people of the internet :}.

Have you ever visited mypyramid.gov? I used it to plan my menu for this week and I intend to use it to track my progress. It doesn't just tell you how many calories you've consumed (or burned, if you track your exercise), it tells you how much of each food group you should consume given your goals (maintain or lose weight) and how much you are consuming.

It also tells you how many orange vegetables, dark green vegetables, starchy vegetables, etc. you should get for the week.

The menu planner has a few quirks. For example, when I copied the menu from day 1 to day 4, it didn't update the portion totals properly. I had to go in and edit individual items. I didn't change anything, but "saving" the item added it into the totals for that day. I also haven't found a way to import a day from the menu into the tracker. It looks like I'll have to enter that information twice.

Recipe: Cranberry Walnut Pumpkin Muffins

2009-11-01T09:00:00.000-08:00

I found this recipe on the internet and promptly lost the link. These are part of my "healthy eating" menu - they're filling, pretty low cal., and include pumpkin, whole wheat, oat bran, cranberries, and walnuts.

Ingredients

3/4 cup lowfat vanilla soy milk
1 tsp apple cider vinegar
1 cup canned pumpkin
1 1/4 cup whole wheat flour
3/4 cup oat bran
1 egg
2 tsp baking powder
1/2 tsp baking soda
1/2 tsp salt
1 1/2 tsp ground cinnamon or cardamon
1/4 tsp ground cloves
1/2 cup dried cranberries
1/2 cup chopped walnuts (optional)

Directions:
Preheat the oven to 400 degrees.
Spray muffin pan with cooking spray.
In a large bowl whisk together soy milk and vinegar and rest for 1 minute to allow it to curdle.
Add canned pumpkin (or fresh pureed pumpkin), egg and whisk to completely combine them.
In a separate bowl whisk together the dry ingredients and spices.
Fold the dry ingredients into the wet mix until just combined. At this point fold in dried cranberries and walnuts if using. Do not over mix the batter or the muffins will be tough. Spoon muffin mixture evenly into muffin tins.
Bake for 6 minutes at 400, then turn oven down to 350 and bake for additional 15 minutes or until toothpick comes out clean. Allow muffins to cool in pan for 10 minutes before transferring onto wire rack to complete cooling.

Recipe: Chocolate Cake with Blueberries

2009-10-31T09:00:00.000-07:00

This is an adaptation of the classic Hershey's Cocoa chocolate cake.

Chocolate Cake with Blueberries
Ingredients:
2 c. sugar
1-3/4 c. all purpose flour
3/4 c. Hershey's Cocoa
1-1/2 tsp. baking powder
1-1/2 tsp. baking soda
1 tsp. salt

2 eggs
1 c. milk (I use skim)
1/2 c. vegetable oil (I use olive oil)
2 tsp. vanilla extract
1 c. boiling water

several handfuls of small frozen blueberries (keep in freezer until time to add so they don't begin to thaw)
several handfuls of dark chocolate chips

chocolate glaze (recipe below)
powdered sugar

Hardware:
Bundt pan (I use a silicone bundt pan)
Mixer

Directions:
Heat oven to 350o, grease bundt pan (I use olive oil or PAM olive oil spray)
Combine dry ingredients in large bowl
Add eggs, milk, oil, and vanilla
Beat on med. speed for 2 minutes (I use setting 2 on my KitchenAid mixer)
Stir in boiling water (batter will be thin) **Learn from my mistakes: *Do Not* use the mixer for this step - you'll get batter *everywhere*
Pour into bundt pan
sprinkle blueberries and chocolate chips around the batter (the blueberries and chocolate chips should sink to the bottom of the bundt pan on their own)
Bake 45 min or until wooden pick inserted in center comes out clean (I have adapted this from a recipe for 2 9" pans that bakes for 30-35 minutes. It takes a bit longer to bake in the bundt pan, but I never remember how much longer. The toothpick test will let you know when it's done.)
Cool completely before removing from bundt pan (since the blueberries and chocolate chips are at the borrom of the pan, I can never get the cake out in one peice unless I let it cool almost completely. I stick the cake in the fridge or freezer if I'm in a hurry)
Flip bundt pan onto platter and remove the cake
Drizzle glaze (recipe below) over cake, sprinkle powdered sugar over glaze

Glaze:
Ingredients
1 cup powdered sugar
2 tbsp. cocoa
2 tbsp. skim milk
1/2 tsp. vanilla

Combine ingredients in a small bowl and stir until smooth. Add a few drops of skim milk, if needed, to acheive desired consistency

Recipe: Whole Wheat Bread

2009-10-30T09:00:00.000-07:00

This recipe is based on the Whole Grain Wheat Bread recipe in the KitchenAid cookbook. I use a Girmi chopper (as seen here on Amazon) to grind the wheat berries - grind, sift, repeat until you have a tolerably fine flour. Using my home-ground flour this makes a dense, *incredibly* filling bread. I have yet to get a really tall loaf out of it, but I assume that's because of my home-ground four isn't all as fine as store-bought. It generally takes me about an hour and a half to process the flour required for the recipe below.

It's been a while since I've made this recipe but I hope to use it Saturday. The whole process usually takes me about 5 hours. I haven't included any directions for processing the flour. Post here and let me know if you'd like me to post information on the process I use.

Ingredients:
9-10 1/2 c ground wheat berries/whole wheat flour
1/2 c plus 1 1/2 tbsp brown sugar
3 1/3 c warm water (105o - 115o)
3 pkg active dry yeast
1 1/8 c powdered milk
3 tsp salt
15 tsp gluten (the box of gluten I have suggests 1 1/2 tsp gluten to every cup of flour)
1/2 c olive oil
1 tbsp honey
1 tbsp oregano

olive oil to grease bowls and pans

Hardware:
Girmi chopper, sifter, 3 bowls (if you're grinding your own flour)
6 Qt KitchenAid mixer
1 microwaveable 4c measuring cup (I warm the water and prepare the yeast mixture in this)
Candy thermometer
2 large bowls (1 may be KitchenAid bowl)
2 tea towels
2 8 1/2 x 4 1/2 x 2 1/2 inch loaf pans

Directions:
Dissolve 1 1/2 tbsp brown sugar in water and add yeast. Let mixture stand. (Err on the side of letting it stand too long)

Place 7 1/2 c flour, powdered milk, oregano, gluten, remaining brown sugar, and salt in bowl. Attach bowl and flat beater. Turn to speed 2 and mix 1 minute. Continuing on speed 2, gradually add yeast mixture and add oil and honey to flour mixture, about 2-3 minutes. Mix 1 minute longer. (Try and be exact about the mixing timing so you avoid over-mixing. Feel free to let the dough rest a bit between mixings and again after this last mixing.)

Exchange beater for dough hook. Turn to speed 2 and gradually add remaining flour, 1/2 cup at a time, until dough clings to hook and cleans sides of bowl. (Mine is usually still fairly moist and sticky at this stage.) Knead on Speed 2 for 2 minutes longer. (Again, be stingy with the mixing times and free with the resting times.)

KitchenAid Note: Dough may not form a ball on hook; however, as long as there is contact between dough and hook, kneading will be accomplished. Do not add more than the maximum amount of flour specified or dry loaf will result.

Place in a greased bowl (I use olive oil to grease the bowl and loaf pans), turning to grease top. Cover, let rise in a warm place, free from draft, until doubled in bulk, about 1 hour.

Punch dough down and divide in half. Shape each half into a loaf and place in a heavily greased loaf pan. Cover, let rise in a warm place, free from draft, until doubled in bulk, about 1 hour.

Bake at 400o for 15 minutes, then reduce heat to 350o and bake 25 minutes longer. Remove from pans immediately and cool on wire racks.

Recipe: Spaghetti Sauce

2009-10-29T09:00:00.001-07:00

I combined a couple sauce recipes from a Better Homes & Gardens cook book to get this one. It is very filling.

Ingredients:
1 tbsp (or so) olive oil
1 lb italian sausage
2-3 cloves garlic, diced
1/3 onion, diced

1 7oz. can sliced mushrooms
1 7oz. can button mushrooms
2 10oz. cans diced tomatoes with green chilies
2 14.5oz. cans diced tomatoes
1 16oz. can tomato sauce
1 12oz. can tomato paste
2 tsp. oregano
1 tsp. basil
1/2 tsp. pepper

Hardware:
1 large skillet
1 large pot with lid

Directions:
In skillet with olive oil, cook onions, garlic and sausage till sausage is brown and onion is translucent
Pour cooked onions, garlic, and sausage into pot
Add remaining ingredients
Bring sauce to a boil then reduce medium heat, cover, and cook for 20 minutes, stirring occasionally

Recipe: Chicken Pot Pie

2009-10-28T09:36:00.000-07:00

This is my default "hospitality" meal - when someone's sick or just had a baby, this is what I'll usually take them. I think my mom may have originally found this recipe on a can of Veg-All or some such place. It makes great leftovers, being one of those foods that tastes even better the next day. If you can't cook the pie right away you can keep it in the fridge for a few days. If you need to wait longer than that you can freeze it.

Chicken Pot Pie
Ingredients:
1 can (~16oz) regular Veg-All
2 cans cream of potato soup
1/2 cup milk (I generally use skim because it's what I have on hand)
2 cups chicken (I generally buy about 16oz of canned white meat)
1/2 tsp thyme
1/2 tsp pepper
2 9" pie crusts (I generally use the pre-made Pillsbury pie crusts)

Directions
Combine ingredients (except the pie crusts) in a large bowl, stir together

Put one pie crust in the bottom of a 9" pie pan, pour in the ingredients, and cover with the other pie crust. Crimp the edges of the crust and cut vents in the top of the pie.

Bake at 375o for 40min.

The Gospel, in 300 words or less

2009-10-27T07:18:00.000-07:00

My community group was talking about Gospel & Mission last week. (A community group is a group of people from Sojourn who get together weekly to talk about the sermon and how it applies to their lives and who are committed to being in each others lives for community, fellowship, and accountability.) One of the things we discussed was how people can grow up in the church and be stumped by the simple question "What is the gospel?" So, for this week, we gave ourselves the assignment to write out the gospel in our own words. We're supposed to avoid "church lingo" as much as possible.

We're going to share our homework with each other tonight.

Here's my effort:
God is a holy God. We are sinners. Because God is holy and we are sinners, we are separated from God - we are cut off, we are His enemies. And this is a situation we cannot remedy ourselves. We can't ever make up for it. The gap between God's holiness and our sinfulness is too great.

But God wanted to have a relationship with us.

So God the Father sent His Son (who is also fully God) to live a perfect, sinless life, be crucified in payment for our sins, and be raised to life after 3 days, conquering death.

Now, if we trust in Christ, in the work He accomplished by His death and resurrection, we will be restored to relationship with God. God will count our sins paid for by the sacrifice of Christ. He will count Christ's righteousness (His perfect "doing right"-ness) as ours. He will send His Spirit to live in us.

While we're here on this earth, that Spirit will work in us to make us more and more like Jesus - to work out more and more in practice what is already true in fact: that we no longer have to do what our sinful nature tells us to do but we are free, by the Spirit's power, to live lives that are pleasing to God.

Then, when we die, we will go to live with God forever in a place with no more sin and no more suffering, a place of unimaginable joy.

On a Sweeter Note

2009-10-23T04:00:00.000-07:00

It's been a heavy couple days here on the blog so I thought I'd send you over to my friend Sarah's blog (http://sarahcosper.blogspot.com/). She doesn't have as much time to update her blog as I think she'd like, but I've found her posts encouraging.

She's the mother of two sweet girls (who are two of my favorite tiny people), wife of the worship arts pastor at Sojourn and quite the crafter. She blogs about all these things - crafts, homemaking, parenting, marriage - and her journey as she seeks to grow in contentment.

To steal her J.I. Packer quote:
"Contentment is essentially a matter of accepting from God’s hand what He sends because we know that He is good and therefore it is good."

Psalms of Depression

2009-10-22T07:34:00.000-07:00

This Psalm was part of my reading today. The talk of death and rejection resonated with me. Even in the midst of these feelings, the Psalmist comes before God. I love that it's okay to come to God with feelings like this.

Psalm 88
1 O LORD, the God who saves me,
day and night I cry out before you.

2 May my prayer come before you;
turn your ear to my cry.

3 For my soul is full of trouble
and my life draws near the grave.

4 I am counted among those who go down to the pit;
I am like a man without strength.

5 I am set apart with the dead,
like the slain who lie in the grave,
whom you remember no more,
who are cut off from your care.

6 You have put me in the lowest pit,
in the darkest depths.

7 Your wrath lies heavily upon me;
you have overwhelmed me with all your waves.
Selah

8 You have taken from me my closest friends
and have made me repulsive to them.
I am confined and cannot escape;

9 my eyes are dim with grief.
I call to you, O LORD, every day;
I spread out my hands to you.

10 Do you show your wonders to the dead?
Do those who are dead rise up and praise you?
Selah

11 Is your love declared in the grave,
your faithfulness in Destruction?

12 Are your wonders known in the place of darkness,
or your righteous deeds in the land of oblivion?

13 But I cry to you for help, O LORD;
in the morning my prayer comes before you.

14 Why, O LORD, do you reject me
and hide your face from me?

15 From my youth I have been afflicted and close to death;
I have suffered your terrors and am in despair.

16 Your wrath has swept over me;
your terrors have destroyed me.

17 All day long they surround me like a flood;
they have completely engulfed me.

18 You have taken my companions and loved ones from me;
the darkness is my closest friend.

Down the Rabbit Hole

2009-10-22T05:50:00.000-07:00

One of the things Edward Welch talks about in Depression: A Stubborn Darkness is listening to your depression so that you can learn its triggers, learn to identify its early warning signs.

I already have one "rabbit hole" labeled family, but last night I tripped down another. It's a familiar one - preceded by increasingly cutting thoughts that tell me more and more convincingly that I'm unwanted - and don't deserve to be wanted. I don't mean wanted by the opposite sex, I mean wanted by friends.

I still don't understand this particular rabbit hole very well.

I recognize the obsessive email & Facebook checking that seems to contribute to my descent. But while those things are almost always part of this path, doing those things doesn't always lead me here.

I also recognize thoughts centering on a specific friendship - one that, to me, feels broken.

When I'm on this particular path I see rejection everywhere - and the whispers, that slowly grow to howls, tell me that rejection is only right and fair, it's what should be.

I praise God for giving me relief last night. It was a fairly rough descent, not the worst I've had, but still pretty rough. I finally got out of bed and emailed a couple of friends. I felt like someone needed to know what was going through my head. When I went back to bed God, mercifully, gave me better success with my mental version of sticking my fingers in my ears and yelling "lalalalala" - refusing to indulge the persecuting thoughts and fixing my mind on Him. And He, again mercifully, took me quickly off to sleep.

This morning (praise God) those howls are reduced to a low rumble.

Since this blog is one of the tools I'm using to try and practice the things I'm learning about this fight with depression and since I believe I'm not alone in this fight - whether it be the fight with depression or the fight with particular thoughts - I wanted to share this struggle with you. If you notice that I'm being more symbolic than specific...well, the internet isn't precisely a "safe place" :}

Thank you for listening.

Boo Depression...Boo

2009-10-21T16:59:00.000-07:00

Yikes. When I got home from work today I didn't expect to be fighting this fight. I'm sitting here, knowing I need to leave for rehearsal and having a really tough time getting myself to get up and go. I would *so* much rather cancel...but I can't. We have a show Saturday that we *have* to rehearse for. And it's not that I don't like rehearsals. Boo stupid depression. It's one of those nights where I'd rather stay home and cry. What's that about? Today's been a pretty good day as circumstances go.

Praise God this will not last forever.

Now to go apologize to my band-mates for being late. (I just got a "where are you" text.)

Sojourn's "Over the Grave" on iTunes

2009-10-21T08:05:00.000-07:00

Sojourn's latest CD, Over the Grave was released yesterday on iTunes and various other eletronic media outlets. Go get it!

Where the Wild Things Are

2009-10-20T07:46:00.000-07:00

I had the opportunity to see this with a friend and her daughter last Friday. We accidentally went into the wrong theater so we saw the last half of the movie first (which made the whole experience more of an adventure in my opinion :}). I have no real sense of what the experience is like when you see the film the "right" way, but I enjoyed our experience.

The movie crystalized something I've reflected on off & on over the years.

(Let me preface this by saying that I do not have children. I'd love to hear from some actual parents on this topic.)

I've heard parents recall some thing they thought was incredibly significant to their child...that the child doesn't even remember. And I've heard grown children recall some thing their parents did that affected them deeply - and the parent never realized it was such a big deal.

As I've grown up and thought about what I want to be like as a parent I've, of course, had those "I'll never do this" or "I'll handle that situation differently" talks with myself, many of which could be traced back to some experience of my childhood that affected me deeply - an experience which may not have even registered with my parents.

Seeing this movie made me realize that, as imperfect parents of imperfect children, it is foolishness to suppose we can control all those situations. Aside from our limitations as humans (with our inability to always do as we intend to do), how could we think we are wise and astute enough to correctly identify and smoothly navigate all those potential "I hate you" moments? (Or as "Where the Wild Things Are" puts it, those "I'm going to Eat You!" moments.)

It seems to me that, rather than focusing on avoiding those moments, we should expect that those moments will occur and we should help our children learn to navigate them. After all, we will experience those moments in most every relationship. We need to learn how to work through them. We need to learn how to respond to the feelings those moments bring - how to be angry but not sin, how to forgive and seek forgiveness, how to be reconciled.

You will hurt me and I will hurt you. But where do we go from there? (And how do we get there?)

Psalms of Depression

2009-10-16T07:08:00.000-07:00

The Psalm below was very encouraging to me during my last bout of depression. I believe I came across it one of the nights I was struggling with an onslaught of insecurity and anxiety.

My two favorite things about this Psalm?
1) It begins by describing the very thing I was feeling.
2) It gives an answer to that feeling.

The Psalmist is struggling and what does he do? He decides to recount to works of God. He decides that in the face of this distress, he will deliberately remind himself who God is and what he has done. Psalm 78 seems to continue this thought with its account of God's rescue of the people of Israel from Egypt.

Psalm 77
For the director of music. For Jeduthun. Of Asaph. A psalm.
1 I cried out to God for help;
I cried out to God to hear me.

2 When I was in distress, I sought the Lord;
at night I stretched out untiring hands
and my soul refused to be comforted.

3 I remembered you, O God, and I groaned;
I mused, and my spirit grew faint.
Selah

4 You kept my eyes from closing;
I was too troubled to speak.

5 I thought about the former days,
the years of long ago;

6 I remembered my songs in the night.
My heart mused and my spirit inquired:

7 "Will the Lord reject forever?
Will he never show his favor again?

8 Has his unfailing love vanished forever?
Has his promise failed for all time?

9 Has God forgotten to be merciful?
Has he in anger withheld his compassion?"
Selah

10 Then I thought, "To this I will appeal:
the years of the right hand of the Most High."

11 I will remember the deeds of the LORD;
yes, I will remember your miracles of long ago.

12 I will meditate on all your works
and consider all your mighty deeds.

13 Your ways, O God, are holy.
What god is so great as our God?

14 You are the God who performs miracles;
you display your power among the peoples.

15 With your mighty arm you redeemed your people,
the descendants of Jacob and Joseph.
Selah

16 The waters saw you, O God,
the waters saw you and writhed;
the very depths were convulsed.

17 The clouds poured down water,
the skies resounded with thunder;
your arrows flashed back and forth.

18 Your thunder was heard in the whirlwind,
your lightning lit up the world;
the earth trembled and quaked.

19 Your path led through the sea,
your way through the mighty waters,
though your footprints were not seen.

20 You led your people like a flock
by the hand of Moses and Aaron.

Practicing Hope

2009-10-14T08:26:00.000-07:00

I started reading through Wayne Grudem's Systematic Theology this summer with a few other women. One of the reasons I wanted to study this book was that I feel my theology is a bit...soft.

I've been encouraged to see the ways in which my theology (& by this I mean my thinking about God) has become more solid - better articulated, with the ring of truth...instead of the squish of lies.

And since the battle with depression is so much a battle of the mind (fighting lies about God and myself with the truth), I'm finding this theology training helpful. I'd encourage those of you who struggle with depression, if you haven't already, find a few solid, godly friends and a solid godly book, and study theology - study (& practice articulating) the truth about God and yourself.

I've listed a few of the doctrines that I've found helpful below. These were things I already knew to some extent, but now I know them better. Preparing to discuss these things with other women has driven me to test whether I can support these things scripturally. Also, Grudem does a wonderful job of working his way logically through the arguments and issues surrounding these things. Following along with him (and testing his arguments) has given me confidence as it lays to rest doubts I didn't even know I had.

Authority of Scripture: The idea that all the words in Scripture are God's in such a way that to disbelieve or disobey any word of Scripture is to disbelieve or disobey God

Inerrancy: The idea that scripture in the original manuscripts does not affirm anything that is contrary to fact.

Clarity of Scripture: The idea that the Bible is written in such a way that its teachings are able to be understood by all who will read it seeking God's help and being willing to follow it.

The concepts above have been particularly helpful since my depression likes to censor as I read scripture - "That's not really true", "That can't be true for you", etc. It has been so encouraging to come to the Word with increased confidence that I can trust what it is telling me!

Smells like...depression...mmm...depression

2009-10-14T07:13:00.000-07:00

I feel that little black rain cloud of depression lingering again - which is funny since he never really left, just diminished...but I can feel him wanting to come back again, bigger and stronger.

I want to try and follow this advice from Depression: A Stubborn Darkness by Edward T. Welch

"if depression gives you an early warning - and it usually does - bring everything you have to the fight. Take your soul to task. Ask for help. Force-feed yourself Scripture and words of hope. Be on guard against self-pity, grumbling, and complaining. And keep the cross close at hand."

So, at least today, after I've spent some time reading the Bible, I want to come back here and use this blog to "practice" thankfulness, words of hope, and keeping the cross close at hand.

I'm *hoping* that, in addition to sparing my friends long, blog-like emails :}, my depression posts will be an encouragement to you who read them, especially those of you who struggle with depression.

The Miscellania

2009-10-13T09:21:00.001-07:00

I don't have a nice, thought out, well-formulated blog for you today, but in the interests of blogging 2-3 times a week, I bring you: The Miscellania.

Work-Dates
What do you do when you have lots of studying to do and no time to hang out with your friends? Have work-dates. I'm hoping to try this out with a few friends in the coming weeks, friends who are also busy and have projects to work on.

The idea is, we'll meet up and work on our various projects - writing, grading, theology notes, whatever. Hopefully we'll get more done than we would working alone (since it's easier to stay on task when the person sitting beside you is working) and we'll actually get to see each other. It may not be the ideal way to spend time with friends...but it sure beats *not* spending time with friends.

Thankfulness
I was musing this weekend about how I sometimes feel like I'm pertrifying - becoming stuck in my ever narrowing ways, enjoying less and less, etc. It finally hit me that this is probably a result of the depression I struggle with rather than some sort of early, irreversible invasion of stodginess. And then, as a friend was holding me accountable for practicing thankfulness, I realized that rather than trying to find the solution to my enui in some new activity, I should be praticing thankfulness for the things that are already in my life.

Comfort & Sovereignty

2009-10-09T10:43:00.000-07:00

I just got some stressful news about illnesses in the family and I've been feeling overwhelmed lately anyhow - stress, depression, etc. I just read these verses (while catching up on my daily reading) and they were comforting to me in the midst of my desire to freak out about everything that's going on.

Isaiah 54:16-17
16 "See, it is I who created the blacksmith
who fans the coals into flame
and forges a weapon fit for its work.
And it is I who have created the destroyer to work havoc;
17 no weapon forged against you will prevail,
and you will refute every tongue that accuses you.
This is the heritage of the servants of the LORD,
and this is their vindication from me,"
declares the LORD.

My God, You are sovereign over all of this - the circumstances, my family, myself, my tempter...all of it. Praise be to our glorious God.

The Heav’ns Declare Thy Glory, Lord

2009-10-09T06:20:00.001-07:00

Here's another Isaac Watts hymn for you, this one on the theme of God's Word.

The Heav’ns Declare Thy Glory, Lord
by Isaac Watts

The heav’ns declare Thy glory, Lord,
In every star Thy wisdom shines
But when our eyes behold Thy Word,
We read Thy Name in fairer lines.

The rolling sun, the changing light,
And nights and days, Thy power confess
But the blest volume Thou hast writ
Reveals Thy justice and Thy grace.

Sun, moon, and stars convey Thy praise
Round the whole earth, and never stand:
So when Thy truth begun its race,
It touched and glanced on every land.

Nor shall Thy spreading Gospel rest
Till through the world Thy truth has run,
Till Christ has all the nations blest
That see the light or feel the sun.

Great Sun of Righteousness, arise,
Bless the dark world with heav’nly light;
Thy Gospel makes the simple wise,
Thy laws are pure, Thy judgments right.

Thy noblest wonders here we view
In souls renewed and sins forgiv’n;
Lord, cleanse my sins, my soul renew,
And make Thy Word my guide to Heaven.

Diversity in the church as a reflection of God's wisdom

2009-10-08T06:14:00.000-07:00

I'm participating in a women's study that's reading through Wayne Grudem's Systematic Theology. We spent a good chunk of our discussion time this past Saturday talking about the passage below (from ch. 12).

"When Paul preaches the gospel both to Jews and to Gentiles, and they become unified in the one body of Christ (Eph. 3:6), the incredible "mystery" that was "hidden for all ages in God who created all things" (Eph 3:9) is plain for all to see, namely, that in Christ such totally diverse people become united. When groups so different racially and culturally become members of the one body of Christ, then God's purpose is fulfilled, "that through the church the manifold wisdom of God might now be made known to the principalities and powers in the heavenly places" (Eph 3:10).

"Today this means that God's wisdom is shown even to angels and demons ("principalities and powers") when people from different racial and cultural backgrounds are united in Christ in the church. If the Christian church is faithful to God's wise plan, it will always be on the forefront in breaking down racial and social barriers in societies around the world, and will thus be a visible manifestation of God's amazingly wise plan to bring great unity out of great diversity and thereby to cause all creation to honor him."

The comments below are re-posted from a discussion on our church message board.

I was really convicted of my personal complacency in this area by our discussion Saturday.

How easy is it for me to continue to have friends who are basically just like me and not make the effort to befriend people who are different? And of course I don't mean token befriending - the kind that just lets us check off the "I have a friend" box. From the conversations I've had with people about diversity - about working towards more diversity - it seems like something we have to work towards deliberately because we are so blind to the things that keep us from it.

It's so easy to gravitate toward people who are like me - who like the bands/movies/books I like, who worship in a style I'm comfortable with, who are in a similar stage of life, etc. - and so much harder to make it work with people who are different - to navigate the waters of what's offensive and what's acceptable, to learn how to communicate effectively, etc. And since it's a habit to gravitate towards people who are like me, it seems reasonable that I should need to be intentional about seeking out people who aren't like me.

And of course, I'm not proposing that we should do that as some sort of salvation substitute, but rather as a reflection & celebration of what Christ did when He reconciled us with His Father - for we are far more different from Him than we are from each other.

I was also convicted of my complacency with regards to black-white reconcilliation in this city. I don't know this for certain, but I think there's a lot of hurt to be healed. And if I sit here, doing nothing, comfortable in my ignorance, I think I'm perpetuating that broken, hurtful system. It smells like injustice to me.

Depression

2009-10-05T21:09:00.001-07:00

I struggle off and on with depression (mostly mild depression, thankfully). I've been working my way slowly through Depression: A Stubborn Darkness by Edward T. Welch. I read the passage below the other morning and found its message helpful:

"One reason to listen to depression is that you will realize that it has a history. It usually emerges for a reason. If you think of your own history of depression, you can find early warnings....if depression gives you an early warning - and it usually does - bring everything you have to the fight. Take your soul to task. Ask for help. Force-feed yourself Scripture and words of hope. Be on guard against self-pity, grumbling, and complaining. And keep the cross close at hand."

Updates

2009-10-02T15:47:00.000-07:00

I spent a little time today updating the ol' web page. Stop by and check it out: rebeccadennison.com

Learning the Blues, a playlist

2009-10-01T19:00:00.000-07:00

I'm taking guitar lessons and my instructor asked me to come in with a few blues tunes I'd like to learn. So, I created this playlist o' tunes (the duplicates are included to offer arrangement options):

Baby, No, No! - Big Memphis Ma Rainey
Baby, Please Don't Go - Muddy Waters
Black Mountain Blues - Big Joe Duskin
Blues In the Night - Big Joe Turner
Blues In the Night - Dinah Shore
Call Me Anything (But Call Me) - Big Memphis Ma Rainey
Done Got Old - Heartless Bastards
Done Got Old (Live) - Junior Kimbrough
Feel So Bad - Lightnin' Hopkins
I Cant' Be Satisfied - Muddy Waters
I'm Talking About You - Memphis Minnie
It Serves You Right To Suffer - John Lee Hooker
Low Down Blues - Blind Willie McTell
Rolling Stone - Muddy Waters
You Shook Me - Muddy Waters

Stress & Writing

2009-09-30T19:16:00.000-07:00

There's the kind of stress that feeds writing...and the kind of stress that stifles it. I seem to be in a season of the latter - a season where even when I have time to write, my mind is full of noise & nothingness rather than melodies & lyrics. Even bad lyrics can lead somewhere...but no lyrics?

Ah well, back to work...

Terrible God, That Reign’st On High

2009-09-25T19:44:00.001-07:00

Sojourn's sermon today focuses on God's holiness, specifically as it is portrayed in Isaiah 6:1-8. That being the case, this, the final hymn of "Hymn Week", seemed a fitting choice for today.

TERRIBLE GOD, THAT REIGN’ST ON HIGH
by Isaac Watts

Terrible God, that reign’st on high,
How awful is Thy thund’ring hand!
Thy fiery bolts, how fierce they fly!
Nor can all earth or hell withstand.

This the old rebel angels knew,
And Satan fell beneath Thy frown;
Thine arrows struck the traitor through,
And weighty vengeance sunk him down.

This Sodom felt, and feels it still,
And roars beneath th’eternal load:
“With endless burnings who can dwell?
Or bear the fury of a God?”

Tremble ye sinners, and submit,
Throw down your arms before His throne;
Bend your heads low beneath His feet,
Or His strong hand shall crush you down.

And ye, bless’d saints, that love Him too,
With rev’rence bow before His Name;
Thus all His heav’nly servants do:
God is a bright and burning flame.

I Would, But Cannot Sing

2009-09-25T19:43:00.001-07:00

This song reminds me of Paul's lament in Romans 7. I appreciate the way it brings those truths to bear on our worship - that we cannot sing, or pray, or repent, or even believe without God's intervention.

I WOULD, BUT CANNOT SING
by John Newton

I would, but cannot sing,
Guilt has untuned my voice;
The serpent sin’s envenomed sting
Has poisoned all my joys.

I know the Lord is nigh,
And would, but cannot, pray;
For Satan meets me when I try,
And frights my soul away.

I would but can’t repent
Though I endeavor oft;
This stony heart can ne’er relent
Till Jesus make it soft.

I would but cannot love,
Though wooed by love divine;
No arguments have pow’r to move
A soul so base as mine.

I would, but cannot rest
In God’s most holy will;
I know what He appoints is best,
Yet murmur at it still!

Oh could I but believe!
Then all would easy be;
I would, but cannot, Lord relieve,
My help must come from Thee!

But if indeed I would,
Though I can nothing do,
Yet the desire is something good,
For which my praise is due.

By nature prone to ill,
Till Thine appointed hour
I was as destitute of will,
As now I am of pow’r.

Wilt Thou not crown, at length,
The work Thou hast begun?
And with a will, afford me strength
In all Thy ways to run.

O How I Love Thy Holy Law!

2009-09-25T07:58:00.001-07:00

This summer several women from Sojourn walked through a study of the doctrine of the word of God using Wayne Grudem's Systematic Theology (read stories from women who participated here).

The hymn below would have been *perfect* for the week we discussed the doctrine of the necessity of Scripture.

Each week I selected songs for us to sing from our Sojourn "songbook" (the songs we use in our Sunday services), songs that related to the topic we discussed. I did not find many songs that discussed and celebrated the Word of God. We wound up singing We Are Listening almost every other week. (You can listen to We Are Listening and donwload the chord chart here.)

The church needs more songs that celebrate and teach us about the Word of God - whether we write new ones like Jeremy Quillo did, or reintroduce our congregations to hymns like the one below.

O HOW I LOVE THY HOLY LAW
by Isaac Watts

O how I love Thy holy law!
’Tis daily my delight;
And thence my meditations draw
Divine advice by night.

My waking eyes prevent the day
To meditate Thy Word;
My soul with longing melts away
To hear Thy Gospel, Lord.

How doth Thy Word my heart engage!
How well employ my tongue!
And in my tiresome pilgrimage,
Yields me a heav’nly song.

Am I a stranger or at home,
’Tis my perpetual feast;
Not honey dropping from the comb
So much allures the taste.

No treasures so enrich the mind;
Nor shall Thy Word be sold
For loads of silver well refined,
Nor heaps of choicest gold.

When nature sinks, and spirits droop,
Thy promises of grace
Are pillars to support my hope,
And there I write Thy praise.

My God! How Perfect are Thy Ways!

2009-09-23T11:23:00.002-07:00

The hymn below speaks of how our own sin corrupts everything we try to offer God in worship and reminds us that Christ is our rightousness, the redeemer even of our worship.

This song reminds me of Lead Us Back, by Sojourn's Bobby Gilles and Brooks Ritter. (You can listen to Lead Us Back and download the chord chart for it here.) Lead Us Back is a song of corporate repentance - repentance from worshipping comfort, from favortism, and from legalism.

The songs speak of different sins, but both lead the singer to confess and repent specific sins, rather than settling for some nebulous "I'm sorry God, I sinned again" or jumping straight to "Thank you for forgiving me" without ever mourning our sin.

MY GOD! HOW PERFECT ARE THY WAYS!
by William Cowper

My God! how perfect are Thy ways!
But mine polluted are;
Sin twines itself about my praise,
And slides into my prayer.

When I would speak what Thou hast done
To save me from my sin;
I cannot make Thy mercies known
But self-applause creeps in.

Divine desire, that holy flame
Thy grace creates in me;
Alas! impatience is its name,
When it returns to Thee.

This heart, a fountain of vile thoughts,
How does it overflow?
While self upon the surface floats
Still bubbling from below.

Let others in the gaudy dress
Of fancied merit shine;
The Lord shall be my righteousness
The Lord for ever mine.

O Lord, Look Down From Heaven

2009-09-22T23:10:00.000-07:00

Our modern choruses seem to revolve around a small handful of themes, but the old hymns discuss a broad variety of issues. Take the hymn below for example. When was the last time your church sang about the threat of heresy and false teachers?

O LORD, LOOK DOWN FROM HEAVEN
by Martin Luther

O Lord, look down from Heaven, behold
And let Thy pity waken:
How few are we within Thy fold,
Thy saints by men forsaken!
True faith seems quenched on every hand,
Men suffer not Thy Word to stand;
Dark times have us o’ertaken.

With fraud which they themselves invent
Thy truth they have confounded;
Their hearts are not with one consent
On Thy pure doctrine grounded.
While they parade with outward show,
They lead the people to and fro,
In error’s maze astounded.

May God root out all heresy
And of false teachers rid us
Who proudly say: “Now, where is he
That shall our speech forbid us?
By right or might we shall prevail;
What we determine cannot fail;
We own no lord and master.”

Therefore saith God, “I must arise,
The poor My help are needing;
To Me ascend My people’s cries,
And I have heard their pleading.
For them My saving Word shall fight
And fearlessly and sharply smite,
The poor with might defending.”

As silver tried by fire is pure
From all adulteration,
So through God’s Word shall men endure
Each trial and temptation.
Its light beams brighter through the cross,
And, purified from human dross,
It shines through every nation.

Thy truth defend, O God, and stay
This evil generation;
And from the error of their way
Keep Thine own congregation.
The wicked everywhere abound
And would Thy little flock confound;
But Thou art our Salvation.

I Asked the Lord that I Might Grow

2009-09-22T05:26:00.000-07:00

Day 2 of "Hymn Week" brings us this hymn by John Newton. I don't think I've ever sung a song in church that so clearly talks about this particular, common (I think), frustration.

I ASKED THE LORD THAT I MIGHT GROW
by John Newton

I asked the Lord that I might grow
In faith, and love, and every grace;
Might more of His salvation know,
And seek, more earnestly, His face.

’Twas He who taught me thus to pray,
And He, I trust, has answered prayer!
But it has been in such a way,
As almost drove me to despair.

I hoped that in some favored hour,
At once He’d answer my request;
And by His love’s constraining pow’r,
Subdue my sins, and give me rest.

Instead of this, He made me feel
The hidden evils of my heart;
And let the angry pow’rs of hell
Assault my soul in every part.

Yea more, with His own hand He seemed
Intent to aggravate my woe;
Crossed all the fair designs I schemed,
Blasted my gourds, and laid me low.

Lord, why is this, I trembling cried,
Wilt thou pursue thy worm to death?
“’Tis in this way, the Lord replied,
I answer prayer for grace and faith.

These inward trials I employ,
From self, and pride, to set thee free;
And break thy schemes of earthly joy,
That thou may’st find thy all in Me.”

Long Have I Sat Beneath the Sound

2009-09-21T04:22:00.001-07:00

As I mentioned last week, I recently spent time on cyberhymnal trolling for hymn texts. I thought I'd share a few more with you.

This hymn is a beautiful prayer lamenting how far short we fall - how little we are moved, how often apathetic - and asking God to work in us, to make His Word effectual.

LONG HAVE I SAT BENEATH THE SOUND
by Isaac Watts

Long have I sat beneath the sound
Of Thy salvation, Lord;
But still how weak my faith is found,
And knowledge of Thy Word!

Oft I frequent Thy holy place
And hear almost in vain;
How small a portion of Thy grace
My memory can retain!

My dear Almighty, and my God,
How little art Thou known
By all the judgments of Thy rod,
And blessings of Thy throne!

How cold and feeble is my love!
How negligent my fear!
How low my hope of joys above!
How few affections there!

Great God! Thy sovereign power impart
To give Thy Word success;
Write Thy salvation in my heart,
And make me learn Thy grace.

Show my forgetful feet the way
That leads to joys on high;
There knowledge grows without decay,
And love shall never die.

Crickets in the key of C

2009-09-19T10:53:00.000-07:00

It's Saturday. I was tempted to write another long and serious blog post, but it's Saturday. Besides, when I started this thing I intended to write short posts - who reads those long posts all the way through anyway? So, today, I bring you: random facts about crickets.

I seem to have an innate need to research random facts and to know things in all their minutiae, so when someone told me recently "if you get enough crickets together they chirp in the key of C", I had to know more. Since he didn't seem to know if it was just the single note 'C' (and if so, which 'C'?) or which 'C' scale (major, minor, pentatonic? I mean, to really indicate "the key of C" wouldn't they have to be chirping 8 different tones?)...I decided to google-up on the matter.

I didn't find anything about crickets chirping in the key of C, but I did read that different species have different characteristic pitches and that you can, apparently, estimate the temperature based on the species of cricket and the number of chirps per minute (since crickets chirp more or less based on the temperature): calculate the temperature using crickets.

I also read that the snowy tree cricket (sometimes called the temperature cricket, which my wiki-research suggests is the cricket I'm most likely to hear around here) chirps around 2.7kHZ, which is somewhere between the E and F 3 octaves above middle C:
The call of the snowy tree cricket
Translating HZ to Pitch

So, Happy Saturday, now you too know entirely too much about cricket chirps.

On a lighter note

2009-09-18T06:49:00.000-07:00

Two things you need to know to fully appreciate this post:
1 - Sojourn has been working for a few years now on a project to take Isaac Watts hymns as inspiration/source material to write new songs for the church. (You can find out about part 1 of the project on Sojourn Music)
2 - As I mentioned yesterday, Sojourn will be talking about the Song of Solomon this week.

I was trolling cyberhymnal for hymn texts and I ran across this, Isaac Watt's take on Song of Solomon:

WE ARE A GARDEN WALLED AROUND

We are a garden walled around,
Chosen and made peculiar ground;
A little spot enclosed by grace
Out of the world’s wide wilderness.

Like trees of myrrh and spice we stand,
Planted by God the Father’s hand;
And all His springs in Zion flow,
To make the young plantation grow.

Awake, O, heav’nly wind! and come,
Blow on this garden of perfume;
Spirit divine! descend and breathe
A gracious gale on plants beneath.

Make our best spices flow abroad,
To entertain our Savior God
And faith, and love, and joy appear,
And every grace be active here.

Let my Belovèd come and taste
His pleasant fruits at His own feast:
“I come, My spouse, I come!” He cries,
With love and pleasure in His eyes.

Our Lord into His garden comes,
Well pleased to smell our poor perfumes,
And calls us to a feast divine,
Sweeter than honey, milk, or wine.

“Eat of the tree of life, My friends,
The blessings that My Father sends;
Your taste shall all My dainties prove,
And drink abundance of My love.”

Jesus, we will frequent Thy board,
And sing the bounties of our Lord;
But the rich food on which we live
Demands more praise than tongues can give.

I appreciate the view of the Song of Solomon as a parable of God's love for us (though, given the graphic nature of the Song of Solomon, I confess that interpretation weirds me out a bit), but my inner middle-schooler would be decidedly distracted if we decided to sing this Watt's hymn Sunday.

Patient Lover Be

2009-09-17T07:00:00.001-07:00

I was rehearsing with Jamie Barnes last night for a show we're doing tonight (shameless plug: Skull Alley, 7PM, $5). We had been talking about the task of writing liturgy for this coming Sunday - the sermon will be on the Song of Solomon. We were running through "Patient lover be" and I mentioned that maybe he could use that song as the call to worship. (If you aren't familiar with the song you can download it here ) He didn't see the connection, saying he'd never thought of that song as being particularly "sexy". In my mind, "sexy" isn't the whole message of the Song of Solomon.

The refrain "Patient lover be" reminds me of the "refrain" of the Song of Solomon: "Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires." This phrase is repeated 3 times in the 8 chapters of the Song of Solomon.

As a single gal, a huge part of my experience of the Song of Solomon is simply this: Patience.

In a book that describes so many things I cannot currently enjoy (taking the Song of Solomon as a love story and not a parable of God's love), I am sorely tempted to become angry - angry that God provides these good gifts and then doesn't share them with all of us equally. I long to be loved with the tenderness and devotion and persistance of the lover in Solomon. I long to be in a relationship where I can enjoy those "delights" the Song of Solomon describes (and yes, I hold fast to the belief that God has designed sex to be enjoyed within the confines of marriage). But that is not what God has for me, at least not right now, and I have no promise that He has those things in store for me.

So this book becomes a reminder that I must be patient.

A couple years ago I was spending the afternoon in a local park reading. I was listening to "Patient lover be", thinking about a guy I had a crush on, and daydreaming about the possibilities. The words of the song slowly began to register:

Don't love me until you see the whites of my eyes
They're so cloudy and red, it may take a while

Lie and wait. Anticipate.
Lie and wait. Anticipate.

Patient lover be.

I must be patient. I have a desire, a longing to experience these good gifts of God, but now is not the time. If I were dating someone this would take on a decided intensity. It is hard to love someone and to be loved - or at least it seems that way to me. There are many struggles in human relationships. And it is hard to be with someone you desire and say "No, be patient" to those desires.

And of course thinking about these things uncovers the idolatry in my heart - the idols of a physical relationship and of "belonging" to someone.

Sometimes I want these things so badly I can almost taste them. And I know this struggle doesn't end with marriage. Marriage does not equal contentment and fulfillment. That "perfect someone" isn't really "perfect" and I know from the testimony of married friends that you can still find yourself struggling with those same idols.

It's not that these aren't good things - the physical relationship & the "belonging" of marriage - but they are not God. They are not meant to be ultimately satisfying.

And so I must be patient. Whether I am single or in a relationship, I must be patient. I must be patient as I wait for these good gifts (if God chooses to give them to me) and struggle with the idolatry of my heart. And I must be patient as I wait for the day when I will no longer need to struggle, when I will be free from this sinful nature:

Romans 8:22-25
22We know that the whole creation has been groaning as in the pains of childbirth right up to the present time. 23Not only so, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for our adoption as sons, the redemption of our bodies. 24For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what he already has? 25But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently.

Maranatha - Come Lord Jesus!

The Inaugural Blog

2009-09-16T20:13:00.000-07:00

Phew! I've just spent the last I'd-rather-not-say-how-many hours playing with gif files and looking up hex codes and editing html & finally! I have a red blog :}.

This is my latest attempt at blogging. We'll see if it sticks.

One Red Blog

Kittens & Fish

Singleness

The Blues & The Mean Reds

A Visit From an Old Frenemy

Picture of the Day: 9/8/10

Picture of the Day: 9/3/10

Picture of the Day: 9/2/10

Picture of the Day: 8/31/10

Picture of the Day: 8/30/10, II

Picture of the Day: 8/30/10

Picture of the Day: 8/29/10

Picture of the Day: 8/28/10

Picture of the Day: 8/27/10

Picture of the Day: 8/26/10

Picture of the Day: 8/20/10

Picture of the Day: 8/19/10

Picture of the Day: 8/18/10

Picture of the Day: 8/17/10

Routines

A day in the life of Atkins

Recommended Reading

A Brief Break from Blogging

Recipe: Southwest Soup

Homemade Skin Care products

40 Days and Nights: Week One Lessons Learned

My Apparent Penchant for Poisonous Plants

Camping!

40 Days and 40 Nights: The Experiment Log

Delight yourself in the Lord

40 Days and 40 Nights

The Daniel Diet, Day 10...or Day 1

The Daniel Diet, Falling Off the Wagon

The Daniel Diet, Day 4

Things You Can Do With Your Voice, a Playlist

Man shall not live by bread alone...

A Bibliography of Non-Fiction

The Daniel Diet, Day 1

Daniel's Diet, or, The Sugar-Gluten wars of 2010

Is that a light I see at the end of that tunnel?

New Years Resolutions Updates

Lest we forget

Things to buy after attending the Calvin Conference

Inspiration from the Calvin Conference

The Debriefing, a playlist

And the winner is...

Hello, Anxiety

Haiti

Happy 50th Post, little blog

Building the book

Hope, Hoplessness, and Pain

New Years Resolutions, Part V - Discipline

New Years Resolutions, Part IV - Becoming a Jazz Vocalist

New Years Resolutions, Part III - Prayer

New Years Resolutions, Part II - Congregational Songwriting

New Years Resolutions, Part I

The Chistmas Story

Psalm 27

Psalm 62

Get your Sandpaper Dolls fix for the Holidays

Playing Dress-Up

Tonight

The Great Green Smoothie

Hello, Diet

Recipe: Cranberry Walnut Pumpkin Muffins

Recipe: Chocolate Cake with Blueberries

Recipe: Whole Wheat Bread

Recipe: Spaghetti Sauce

Recipe: Chicken Pot Pie

The Gospel, in 300 words or less

On a Sweeter Note

Psalms of Depression

Down the Rabbit Hole

Boo Depression...Boo

Sojourn's "Over the Grave" on iTunes

Where the Wild Things Are

Psalms of Depression

Practicing Hope

Smells like...depression...mmm...depression

The Miscellania